I’ve recently written a tribute to my cat Fiddler Clementine. I gushed about her awesomeness and how independent she is, running around outside, doing her thing and then coming over to cuddle. It wasn’t love at first sight by all means; she was very much a bitch to me when she first came around. Eventually she warmed up to me and clawed her way into my heart. I started feeding her Tuna and giving her treats like sour cream and stuff. I was all like ‘My cat is so great, it prefers human food and it kills birds for fun’.

After a few trips to the supermarket, I realized that cat food is actually much cheaper than human food. What was I thinking buying her all these Premium Tuna? Unless she starts liking beans and rice, quite frankly I don’t care if she prefers tuna – she’s getting the cheap stuff designed for cats from now on. So naturally I stocked up on Friskies. Putting away two cans of things like chicken with gravy and salmon pâté a day, she didn’t seem to mind the switch one bit; she was quite happy about it in fact.

Since the moment I started feeding her, I’ve noticed her behavior change drastically. She’s become incredibly lazy and much to my disappointment, quite impudent. She barely leaves the house anymore. All she does is lounge around on every and all piece of furniture in the house; and if not that, then she’s following me around; not because she adores me but because she’s hoping that some more food will land in front of her.

She didn’t used to be so annoying and useless. Now all I hear is Meow Meow Meow. Every time I feed her, the sounds that come out of that cute little furry place are similar to those of a starving animal that hasn’t eaten in ages and must consume everything in sight, as if constantly afraid that they’ll never see food again. It’s never enough for her! I’d be cooking in the kitchen, and what do you know; this little thing starts prancing around, meowing and clawing up the cabinets, begging me for food. Like, bitch! Get out of my face, you’re not hungry!

Had she not developed these ugly personality traits, I might have continued to feed her the good cat food. But seeing as how she’s becoming more and more ungrateful and impertinent with each passing day, I had zero qualms downgrading. That’s right; dry food only from now on (the brand of which is conveniently called ‘Alley Cat’ btw). There’s much more of it and it’s much cheaper than the gourmet stuff she was getting fat off of before. She hates it of course; constantly looking up at me from the bowl thinking that I’m just playing some dirty trick on her and the good stuff is about to follow; but nope. That’s what you get for being greedy. Enjoy your cat cereal.

There is one thing that hasn’t changed for the worse, and I hope it never does. When she sleeps with me in my room and the door happens to be closed, she’ll wake me up in the AM letting me know she needs to go outside. Thank God for that. Last thing I need is to invest in a litter box and spend time on potty training this fur ball so that my house doesn’t smell like cat piss, etc. Still though, she needs to stop this lazy bullshit. Being a whiny couch potato is looked down upon in this house. Although I’m afraid there’s no going back; I’ve ruined her by giving her a home with all the benefits of a domesticated life. Now she’s just an ordinary cat.