It is almost inevitable for all the freak shows to stay home on mother’s day. They somehow happen to evade father’s day and even Valentine’s day but come mother’s day they all come crawling out of their dark chambers and into the world where humans are just trying to get by and live a semi-normal life. These are the people that make you question humanity; these are the people that make you wish you could murder another human without repercussions. Why is that? Why is mother’s day of all days the day that people choose to be their shittiest? Is it because they feel obligated to be nice to their mothers but deep inside they really hate them so they’re forced to take it out on others around them? Perhaps they think it’s a bullshit holiday (cause moms, right? Who cares?) and they’re therefore resentful towards the overbooked restaurants that just couldn’t accommodate your lady minute reservation for a party of 8,how dare they…

Speculations about the nature of the holiday aside, my friends and their mom who’s very much become like a second mom to me over the years spent mother’s day at a restaurant called Castaway, overlooking the Burbank Hills . it was a beautiful Sunday afternoon. We were on time for our reservation and got seated almost immediately, outside as per our request. It was a bit windy so them umbrellas were acting a fool quite a bit, but whatevs. We weren’t gonna let a little wind ruin our good time. That was until that wind decided to take one of those umbrellas and send them flying right into my friends head and left shoulder. Yeah, that happened. Now, don’t get me wrong, we’re Russian; strong like bull (must say with thick Russian accent); we’ve been through worse. So we’re like ‘Whatever. Shit happens. Moving on. Where’s the champagne?’

Meanwhile there’s a table of 8 right next to us. These are the people that were an inch away from being hit with the umbrella. These are the people that will juice any opportunity to get something out of nothing. These people also happen to be black. Now, before you get all huffy and puffy and try to pull some racist shit, take a chill pill and acknowledge the situation. Ain’t no one is saying that all black people are relentless. Ain’t no one is saying that all black people are the same. However… It ain’t that difficult to spot one of ‘those’ people whether they’re black, white or purple; these people are all the same when it comes to being irrationally ‘hungry’.

My friend goes: “watch the black people steal the show even though I’m the one that got hit”

Next thing you know… The hostess comes by to check on the table, doing the courteous thing, asking everyone if they’re okay. The one lady that was sitting closest to the ‘umbrella incident’ happens to have a three year old on her lap. Mind you, the toddler is neither bothered nor disturbed in any way. He’s chillin’. He’s just sitting there, munching on French fries. An umbrella fell? What? Get out, no way. He’s unfazed. He’s smiling even! The kid is completely unaware of anything that took place.

Meanwhile, this is the conversation that takes place between said mom and the hostess.

– Is everyone okay?

– Nah

– Do you need medical assistance?

– Yah

– Okay. Do you need me to call 991?

– (Silence as she shoves food in her face)

– Should I call 911?

– Yah.

– Okay. What should I tell the ambulance is the medical emergency?

– Mah baby hart. (Translation – my baby’s hurt)

I swear this is gonna be embedded into my memory; forever; “accent” and all. This f*cking bitch opted to call 911 just so she could get out of paying a 500(+tip) dollar bill on MOTHER’S DAY. She used her child as a bait to participate in a scam that she luckily ‘fell’ into… She was all like “The umbrella fell on him, I felts it”. Bitch the only thing you felt* is the wind from the umbrella falling as it landed on my friend. Someone out there could be having a legitimate emergency, and your stupid greedy ass decided to take up those resources in the most obnoxious and selfish of ways. I hope you know that while it may have gotten you out of paying for your meal, it’s not gonna get you anywhere else except maybe hell. Perhaps not the kind that burns and has the devil circling the premises, but the kind that has debt collectors chasing you on the daily. You’re gonna drown in medical bills deeper than where your conscience is buried. You dumb bitch; there were cameras and witnesses. Just because no one else caused a scene calling you out on your bullshit, doesn’t mean you’re gonna get away with it.

So anyway. The ambulance comes and they leave. With all that chaos gone we were finally able to relax and enjoy ourselves. The manager brought over a bottle of champagne and a round of delicious cocktails on the house as a courtesy for not being a bunch of assholes. He kept referring to us as the VIP table all day, which we enjoyed but mind you never demanded or even hinted at.

The food was fantastic as well. Of course we didn’t eat much of it because we were too busy yapping and chugging the bubbles… I still dream about the pasta station that I was eyeballing but never went back to. Overall, it was quite an experience.

Moral of the day – Good things come to those who aren’t a pile of shit.