The purpose of this article is to raise awareness. Ya’ll need to be aware of how you’re coming across in the messages you send me on the daily basis. Thus here’s a friendly tutorial on how to interact with someone whom you want to get to know better; someone that has no idea who you are. You may stumble upon this tutorial on your own as I do not plan on hiding it, or you may be directed to it by me when you’ll have violated the basic rules of communication. Don’t take this poorly. It’s sent out of love to try and help you communicate better, get what you want, and be an overall better person, closer to winning at life.

The reason for this list’s existence is the fact that I’m tired of reading the same mundane messages over and over again; either copying and pasting generic responses or ignoring you altogether. I don’t like ignoring people; it’s not nice. I will however do exactly that if your messages are stupid and unimaginative. So please turn off the boring and message me with something substantial so my precious time of day can be distributed appropriately and fairly.

FROWNED UPON:

Hey; what’s up; how are you; what you doing; snap me; check out ‘link’…

1. ‘Hey’ and ‘Hi’ are the epitome of lazy, basic and inefficient. I yell at my friends for doing that all the time; just say what you want to say! Time is of the essence! Don’t waste it with this ‘hey’ bullshit. I find that it’s far less rude to skip the ‘hey’ and just get to the point instead of forcing me to do the obligatory back and forth. How about this? Let’s say our hello’s now and get it out of the way forever. From now on, when you message me, I’ll just assume that we’ve already sealed our greeting sesh with a fist bump, a high five, a halfway bro hug and an air kiss on both cheeks; that way we can get straight to business.
2. The fuck you mean ‘what’s up’? Lots of things are up! Have you checked out the sky lately? It’s up there. Some stocks are up. The porn industry wouldn’t be alive if certain body organs didn’t have the ability to go What is it exactly that you’re trying to accomplish when you send such a generic and lame ‘greeting’ my way? Tell you what, the exact amount of effort is going to go into my response as you put into your attempts of getting my attention: none.
3. This next one is slightly tricky, but only because seemingly the intentions are good. However, asking me how I am is in a fact a complete waste of time. I’m great. Always. I don’t know what it’s like to be bored and if on the off chance that I’m not actually great, i.e, pissed off or agitated, I don’t think that confiding in a random snapchatter/tinderer would be the route of my choosing. Trust me; the moment you land higher on the not-so-corporate ladder of super important people in my life, you’ll be notified immediately. Heights of that caliber can be quite dangerous and it’s in my best interest to keep you guys safe and within the brackets of shit you can handle.
4. Asking me what I’m doing is even higher on the list of the most annoying things one can do. I’m a busy girl. I’m always doing something. It is because I’m always doing something that I don’t have time to sit there and go into details about what I’m doing. I don’t blame you for being curious; I do lots of cool shit. That’s why my very informative, constantly updating, never stale Snapchat feed is public. Feel free to gawk at all you want; the more the better in fact. I don’t know if you know this, but all snaps stick around for 24 hours, so if perhaps you’re sitting in a cubicle for 8 of those hours, which limits your ability hear these snaps, it doesn’t qualify as an excuse. Aaaand, if you don’t have Snapchat, you’re silly cause it’s only like the best platform yet; as long as it’s not abused and misused. Side note: As busy as I am, I’m never too busy to type out full words and sentences. Having said that, if you’re one of those ‘wyd’ people, you should know that every time I get a message like that, I gag a little in my mouth as I loathe your existence.
5. Maybe just maybe, think about it real hard and perhaps come to the conclusion that if you’re going send me a snap, skip that process where you ask me to ‘snap’ you. Kinda pointless, don’t ya think? It’s like sending someone a message saying “message me”. I mean I get it. What you really mean is ‘Have a private snap session with me cause I’m much more special than all the other people that message you on a daily basis’. What confuses me is what exactly makes you feel that way if there’s no evidence to back up that theory. If we were on that level, these conversations would already be happening; and it would be natural. If they’re not happening then you’re probably guilty of violating some or all of the above mentioned regulations; expecting the ‘hey’ and ‘hi’ to turn into something magical out of nowhere and for no reason whatsoever. Come on now. You’re better than that; I believe in you!
6. Lastly, if you’re using Snapchat to network, like I am; if you actually have good stuff for people’s eyeballs and ears to enjoy; and you want to share something that you’ve created with me, whether it’s a song you performed or an article you’ve written, I’m game. This is the kind of ‘tit for tat’ that I’m actually fond of. However, if all you send me is a link, without so much as an introduction or an accompanying sentence even; be advised that that link will be considered spam, disregarded entirely and treated like trash faster than a used condom. Make an effort, you lazy bastards!

ENCOURAGED:

Specific responses to specific posts; legitimate inquiries; genuine and engaging commentary; relevant information; examples of you continuously giving a f*ck…

1. Show me that you care! Show me that you’re not just another bored person looking through your feed and sending mass messages to everyone just to see who bites. Show me that you’re worth responding to by demonstrating that you’re actually interested in the content I put out there. Show me that you’re not just here for the amazing pair of tits that I’m sporting. Show me that you can read and that you want to read the things that I write.
2. Respond to the specific things that are on my feed; whether it’s positive or negative or both. I adore constructive criticism just as much as I love to soak up the praise for my awesomeness. Point being, I am much more likely to engage in a conversation with you if it’s about something substantial rather than a ‘hey’ or ‘how are you’. Ask me questions about an article of mine that you’ve read. Ask me about my political views; but be advised that I don’t cater to snowflakes and cupcakes. Challenge me; disagree with me. Do something; anything; just don’t be a lame minion like the rest of them.
3. If you actually listen to my snaps instead of skipping through them in hopes of seeing some boobage, you might actually find yourself pretty entertained. Sure, drunk gibberish will sneak its way into my story every now and again. Feel free to treat those like the piece of bread that comes with your meal at a restaurant; you probably shouldn’t eat the whole thing because you don’t wanna spoil your appetite for the 5 course dinner you’re about to have, but it’s okay to nibble on it just a little bit.
4. I acknowledge the fact that there may be people out there who simply aren’t capable of intelligent banter. Should those people be banned from the possibility of getting to know me? Well… I guess it wouldn’t be fair. So if those people want to make themselves useful to me in other ways, they can. The fact that I’m an independent woman living in the 21^st century doesn’t stand in the way of me also being a woman who enjoys pampering and gifts. My Amazon wish list is public so feel free to put a smile on my face by buying me things. It is important that make the distinction between what I’m saying and what your average gold digger is seeking. You don’t have to buy me stuff, but if you can’t offer me anything else, doing so will at least get a better result than sending me dick pics; because I assure you, those just make me cringe.

Basically it comes down to the ‘You have to give a little in order to get a little’ theory. The more you show that you give a f*ck, the more f*cks shall be given in response. The more you act like an empty and outdated douche, the more you will be treated like one.

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