A lot of times Sitcoms end up casting different actors for the same role, as if we’re not going to notice. They just roll with it cause it’s easier and probably cheaper than having to go through the process of killing someone off for example. Given the fact that sitcoms generally aren’t that serious, such inconsistency is pretty easy to ignore. Come to think of it, even with movies like 007 and Batman, it still ends up being pretty irrelevant because you’re focusing on an independent plot of a particular movie rather than what has happened in the past and who acted it out.

It’s a whole different story when you try to create a trilogy, two parts of which are directly related with both the cast and the story line, and the third one stands alone like a distant cousin that’s merely related to the first two through only one of the actors and his profession; oh and the name of the movie. That is exactly what happened with the ‘8 First, New and Best Dates’ Russian Trilogy. My elaborate opinion of the first two can be found [here], whereas my opinion of the last one can be summarized with one phrase: I hope they stop there.

1. THE PLOT – A man and wife live in a huge house with their two kids. He gets into a car accident and upon doing an MRI finds out he has cancer and that he doesn’t have much time left to live. Refusing treatment he decides to die the natural way but not before he finds a replacement husband and father for his family. He finds the seemingly perfect specimen in a broody fireman. Proceeding to train him how to be a part of his family and teaching everything his wife likes, he attempts to slowly alienate himself by staging affairs and purposely not being there for his kids. Then he finds out that there was a mix-up at the doctor’s office and he doesn’t have cancer after all.

1. THE HINTS – The wife certainly doesn’t beat around the bush; she drops hints left and right about the husband not being home enough and not spending time with his family. The most cruel thing of all though must have been the photobook that she gave him titled ‘Where’s daddy?’, filled with pictures of her and the kids doing fun activities; in every picture the wife is holding up the sign ‘This is where daddy should be’. In one picture she even had a stranger hold up the sign saying ‘daddy’s replacement’. If that’s not the most evil, passive aggressive form of behavior then I don’t know what is. Calm your tits lady, no need to bring the kids in on your marital problems.

1. THE MATCH – In order to filter out everyone who’s not good enough for his wife, he and his friend go to a dating service agent. She very patiently sits down with them and goes through every single retard out there that’s also looking for love. I mean the guys that she shows them are just way off the charts. And when none of them appeal to the client she’s all like “Gentlemen, you’re very picky… Okay, well, there’s one guy left” And it turns out to be that guy! He’s gigantic and gorgeous; a sensitive fireman who speaks softly into the camera about romantic shit and how he wants to find the one and care for her, raise kids, etc … Like, bitch, you couldn’t have started with that?!

1. THE TWIST – Upon discovering that he’s going to live, and telling the fireman guy that his services are no longer needed, he finds out that the sneaky bastard has a plan of his own; that plan is to get rid of the original husband regardless of his false sickness and to take over his family. This dude is a big guy and of course he uses physical threat to his advantage.

1. THE HOLE(s) – Even if we were to ignore the minor plot hole, screaming that there’s no way in hell that they could live in a huge house like that and afford it, with the wife being a stay at home mom and him being a veterinarian, there’s another major detail that one simply cannot ignore. It’s not so much a ‘plot hole’, but more so a hole that the movie lands into after revealing too much too soon. They show the scene with the nurse fooling around and dropping the documents on the floor in disarray; exposing fact that there is a cancer mishap in the very beginning! Who does that?? You don’t reveal that kind of a major detail ‘til the very end or at least the middle! It’s like climaxing in the very beginning and then continuing to go just for the hell of it; there’s really no point, cause you’d be going downhill from there, but I guess no one is stopping you…

1. THE CAST – First of all, while both the guy’s name and profession is the same as in the two previous movies, the wife is a completely different person; not just a different actress; even her name is different. And yet, there’s no mention of his previous life, and he doesn’t look any older so it’s like not they’ve fast forwarded from his old wife to his new life… They just didn’t care to address it, at all. Another thing was the kids; a boy and a girl. According to the story line, they were pretty important; the glue that brought the husband and wife back together. According to face time they received and the amount of lines they had, you’d never know it. They were barely even a backdrop… And the one time the little girl did have lines, her speech was anything but believable. She’s a cute kid, don’t get me wrong, but what kind of a child who’s not even a teenager spills out sarcastic shit like “Oh, I didn’t know I had a daddy” when the father finally steps up to the plate and dances with her? What kind of a kid tells her father to stop moving his hips so much because it’s “vulgar”?? What kind of a kid makes snarky remarks like “Ask me for forgiveness” in the middle of the dance floor as the father is trying to win back some brownie points with the mom? If their goal was to make sure the audience saw the girl as a little brat with an attitude of a bitch, the least they could have done is give her more lines to reflect that throughout the movie instead of waiting til the very end and throwing it in as a final shocker.

1. THE END – All’s well that ends well. The fireman turns out to be kookoo thinking that he’s actually got super powers; wears a cape as he walks across the highway. Needless to say, he’s no longer a physical threat. With him out of the picture and the truth out on the table, you would think that they would just put the whole thing behind them and live happily ever after. That must have been too simple of a resolution, which is why the producers attempt to throw in one final shocker for the road; they get divorced. Don’t worry though; he proposes to her two minutes later in the same place they got married, which she happily accepts. Right… Because there were no giveaways there or anything. Everyone comes to a signing of divorce papers all dressed up and shit, with guests following you behind. Oh but it doesn’t end there! As a final surprise, he follows up the marriage proposal by a showcase of the pictures that she took. What, you didn’t know she was a photographer? Hmm, could it be because it was never mentioned? Perhaps… It’s also very interesting that one of the biggest pieces in the room is a picture of her face; because naturally that’s any photographer’s biggest concern… Please – it’s such an obvious attempt from the actress seeking more attention than she’s already getting.

Seriously… Could you pack more bullshit into an hour and a half? And let’s not forget that this is supposed to be part of a trilogy. Not only was an important part of the cast from previous films replaced without explanation, but there was no sign of any magical switching around of persons which was clearly the premise for the first two films. And what’s up with the title? The movie is called ‘8 Best Dates’. There are no ‘dates’… Like I said in the beginning, I sincerely hope the producers don’t take it upon themselves to make any more of these. Enough is enough.

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