I have a tendency to pick a TV show and turn it into a temporary soundtrack of my life. I call it ‘soundtrack’ not because I relay to it so much, not because it speaks to my soul or whatever, but because it’s almost always on in the background. Whether I’m cooking, eating, cleaning, writing or sleeping, it’s just always there, haunting my ears, brain and eyeballs. I can’t even blame Netflix! No one makes me do this shit. It’s totally on me to pick the most mundane, uncomplicated TV shows and inject them into my life from their embryonic stages to their bitter end. I’ve “watched” and re-watched plenty; Friends, Cheers, Everybody Loves Raymond, Frasier, amongst many others. The most recent one that quite frankly I’m still in the middle of is the beloved 90s sitcom called Party of Five. You know the one; starring Neve Campbell before she started making out with chicks in the pool and running away from serial killers; and featuring Jennifer love Hewitt when she was at her best. What drew me to the show was actually neither of the two but the super young version of Gretchen from mean girls. I wanted to see the little girl that grew up to be miss “I can’t help it that I’m popular”. 

The premise isn’t terrible: 5 kids lose their parents in a car accident due to a drunk driver, and are forced to cope with realities of life going forward. Obviously a bunch of shit goes down throughout the show. Between getting married, discovering alcoholism, struggling with the aftermath of almost getting raped, you’ll find that in this show, children like to pretend they’re adults, while those that are closest to actually being adults would rather behave like children.

Queue Charlie Salinger, the eldest cat in the crew. Immediately you have a soft spot for him. Like, here’s this guy; he’s young, tall, handsome, obviously charming, and overall very likable. Both of his parents just died. Not only does he have to deal with that emotional turmoil, but he also has to take care of his four younger siblings. Sucks, am I right? Well, had I not binge-watched this show, my opinion of him would have probably remained a positive one. I did however, binge, therefore fast forwarding through all of his character flaws, matrix style, swallowing it whole; like a not-so-great Thanksgiving dinner; wanting nothing more than to throw it all up and go to sleep, forgetting it ever happened. So sorry to drop this bomb on you, but Charlie Salinger, kinda totally sucks.

Hey Charlie, why don’t you get off your high horse and stop sucking for a second, huh?

1. THE HOUSE – Cool, you’re a carpenter; you’re good with your hands. Oh wait, you’re not just good; you’re talented! You get a lucrative job offer in San Francisco and you decide to move the whole family out of the one place that provides much needed comfort, into a new one for what; money? Decisions, decisions. You call a family meeting. Oh but wait, you don’t care about what anybody has to say because you’re the adult and you have the final say. “We’re moving!”, you exclaim; just to change your mind again and turn down the job, keeping the house after all. You find your act noble? I find it annoying. Like, you really had to put the family through all the drama just so you could come out on top at the end? Thumbs down.
2. THE RESTAURANT – Working in a restaurant clearly isn’t a passion of yours. You got stuck with it as an obligation of sorts, when your parents died. You barely wanted to bartend, let alone manage the place; but money is money and you did what you had to do – cool. Then shit went down and you couldn’t do it anymore. Who came to the rescue? Bailey did. Bailey, having a knack for it, and to his own surprise, desire to run a restaurant, quickly found himself blossoming in the environment. Sure, he’s just a kid and technically shouldn’t have any business, running a business; but if that’s your response then stick to it. Don’t say ‘No’ just to say ‘No’, just to say ‘Yes’ a day later, when you realize that he’s better at this job than you ever were or could be. Once again, you’re annoying.
3. CUSTODY OF OWEN – Owen, being the youngest of the five, needs the most amount of time and attention to be paid to him as he’s growing up. So guess what? When you’re being stubborn in regards to custody; deciding on a home that’s ultimately better for your brother; when you’re willing to drag the process out as far as through court, just to grant Bailey the custody right before the trial, you’re being really fucking annoying. Where have I seen this character trait before? Oh, only with every decision you’ve ever had to make.
4. MARRIAGE TO KIRSTEN – Poor girl. You quite literally drove her to depression with your indecisive shit. Remember your wedding day? The day that never happened because you’re too much of a chicken shit? Yeah, you claimed you ‘want to marry her, just not right now’. Your life can’t be defined right now. So off you go, driving God knows where. Oh but wait, you come to your senses. And surprise, surprise, you think you can just come back and apologize and everything would snap back to normal. Gosh, WHERE have I seen this character trait before? I just can’t put my finger on it… 
5. CUSTODY OF DIANA – So you got a crazy girl pregnant. She doesn’t want anything to do with the baby and you’re stuck raising her on your own, alienating practically everyone in the process because you’re too self-absorbed; too busy playing the victim card. Some time passes and Crazy gets her life together; comes to her senses and wants to re-establish the relationship with her estranged daughter. Of course, you’re not about that life. You’re too accustomed to saying ‘No’ and standing your ground; because you always know better. That is until you realize that you don’t, of course. Can anyone guess what happens next? Yup, Charlie gives in and Diana gets to go home with mommy. Like it was gonna go down any other way? Please. 

We get it, you’re the head of the household and the legal guardian; you’re important. You’re also an asshole that doesn’t want to be bothered when shit hits the fan. That temper of yours? It’s not great. You’re always yelling; I can still hear that nasally high-pitched voice; it’s piercing in all the wrong ways. Like, shut up and just think for a second. Sit back and adjust a little instead of reacting all the time. Just because you make the right decision in the end, doesn’t make you a hero. Get there faster! This is why you suck and nobody likes you.

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