Liquor is rumored to affect not only your ability to see straight, but also the way you behave and interact with people. It’s safe to say that I drank those rumors under the table on several occasions as I happen to generally be a functioning alcoholic. Though I must admit, there have been times that even I, the professional drinker, have woken up feeling like my drunk self didn’t make the best decisions. It is during those times that I start questioning not the amount that I’ve consumed, or in what order, but what exactly I’ve consumed, and more importantly where I am in life and how I feel about it.
I’ve heard things like ‘Wine makes women flirty’, ‘Tequila makes women wanna dance on top of the bar’ and ‘Whiskey makes men want to fight somebody’ quite a few times. While those stereotypes often prove to be true, they’re not applicable to every situation; much like all stereotypes. There isn’t a chart that you can refer to whenever you have a question about what a certain type of liquor is going to turn you into for the night. Not only does every type of liquor affect each person differently, but much more interestingly, the same liquor can affect the same person differently depending on where their mind is at the moment of drinking.
Speaking from professional experience, and a lengthy one at that, I can say that for the most part I’ve got my liquor and its outcomes figured out. Wine for example, has made me both a seductress and a crying mess; obviously not at the same time. Scotch is a tricky one as well; I’m either an antisocial freak, talking to the voices in my head, or I’m out there proving that the ‘Whiskey makes you frisky’ saying holds up. Vodka and I haven’t been friends for a while now; can’t even stand the smell of it, and I’m Russian! It might have something to do with the fact that it turns my already low tolerance of stupid people and annoying things into a tolerance that’s practically non-existent.
There’s just something about vodka, one of the most neutral spirits, that brings the ugly out in people… My friend for example, a drunk whose various alcohol-related tendencies I’ve been exploring for years, turns into a raging bitch when she drinks vodka; telling everybody to go fuck themselves, assuming the personality of the Baddest Russian Gangster on the block. When this same person drinks tequila, she turns into a destructive child that won’t listen to anything you say but instead does the opposite. The combination of mimosas and rum however is what makes her giddy and smiley as she sits back and slurs nonsense like “You don’t know my life” and “Nobody likes you”. It’s a shame she doesn’t drink rum more often; it brings out the best, though slightly more vulnerable, cute and fluffy side of her.
Come to think of it, I’ve never met a person that was affected negatively by rum. It may just be a secret to bettering the drunken society. In fact, the more I think about it, the more it makes sense. I know someone who doesn’t drink at all, so you can imagine how much fun it is to mess with him when even a drop of alcohol (accidentally or on purpose) makes it into his system. He’s not a complete prude; he just prefers the natural pleasures of life like juice and vitamins (whatever). He’ll taste alcohol every now and then for amusement purposes but then bitch and complain the entire time about how it gives him a headache and how all alcohol is evil and ‘blah blah blah’ before he retreats to bed, snapchatting himself with filters until his phone battery dies. There was that one time when our mutual friend literally grabbed his face and poured the remains of her pineapple daiquiri (rum) into his mouth as he was innocently chilling in the pool, not suspecting a thing… Oh, the reaction! He seemed to have taken a trip to the LA LA land, demonstrating endless giggling and twirling, along with animated facial expressions like he was a cat that overdosed on catnip. It was wonderful to watch and aside from losing a few productive hours, no damage was done. This ‘rum concept’ is definitely something worth exploring further.
Bottom line is this: Even though Alcohol can be a tricky bitch that sneaks up on you with random aftermath, it is almost never the one to blame for your drunken misfortunes. It is merely a common denominator and a ‘constant’, whereas our thoughts and feelings are the variables. Alcohol simply amplifies what we’re already putting out there. So next time you wake up thinking ‘Oh man, I don’t know what took over me last night; I’m not usually that obnoxious’, perhaps you should rethink the ‘current happenings’ of your life and what led you to that obnoxious point in the first place; and instead of blaming certain alcohol and writing it off forever, try avoiding it the next time you’re feeling a similar way. By all means, it’s not easy; especially because a lot of times we’re not able to acknowledge that which is bothering us in the first place. It is extremely gratifying however to be able to sit back and connect the dots; understand what each liquor does to you, when and why. Knowing that you have the upper hand in deciding how your night is going to go down is a feeling of satisfaction and control like no other.