As far I’m concerned, the ‘Breakfast in Bed’ cliché is right up there with the moonlit beach walks and phrases like ‘Your eyes shine brighter than the stars’. What woman doesn’t want all that romantical stuff in her life, right? Well. This woman has zero interest in your poor attempts of portraying a cheesy rom-com variation of actual romance. It’s not cute. More so, it’s impractical. It may be nice in theory, but we happen to live in a place called Reality. You can’t sit on a curb wearing a white coat without getting it dirty like they do in the movies; you don’t wake up with glossy lips; and Jimmy Fallon isn’t your gay BFF.
We live in a world where memes spread faster than the plague, and song lyrics get quoted more regularly than women get their periods. Humans tend to act and react based on their instincts and impulses rather than logical thinking; women especially. It’s no wonder you, the breakfast in bed provider, are constantly confused, thinking you’re doing everything right because you followed the protocol; you’re misinformed!
Being a chronic over-thinker myself, I’m obviously an exception to such a mundane generalization, but I’m just a pebble in the sand; sand full of confusing creatures.
Girls be like “My idea of a perfect date is a long walk on the beach, gazing up at the stars and listening to the sound of the waves, followed by a passionate kiss, preferably in the rain; intense love making; and then breakfast in bed, on a Sunday” – Oh! Is that your idea of a perfect date?
Is it really?
Yuck. Let’s break down this so called perfection, shall we?
So you’re walking on the beach, shoes in hand probably, as you allow the waves to gently caress your ankles; except you’re not on a movie set and this isn’t a fake ocean, so in fact, you’re getting slammed by the waves unexpectedly, intermediately, because the ocean has a mind of its own and it ain’t got time for your imagination. Now you’ve got sand in places you didn’t know were reachable. Why? Oh, because that’s how Life works; that’s how Beach works. You can’t escape the Sand Factor; it’s like Glitter. But you don’t care! You’re having a good time; words are flowing, sparks are flying, etc. Before you know it, you’re making out. Then comes the beloved rain. You’re making out in the rain; on the beach. You wanted this. Let’s keep it somewhat PG and say you’re not gonna drop right there and then and do the dirty; let’s say you’re civil enough to head back home to your bed to continue your night of passion. Oh but wait, you’ve already walked about a mile; because you know, time flies when you’re having fun; so now you have to walk a mile back. Oops, guess your wet, burning loins are gonna have to wait a little bit longer. By the way, what are the chances either one of you lives right on the beach? Hmmm. So now you’re in the car, which still smells and feels like the beach. Is that a good thing because you’re still in your element or is it a bad thing because no matter how much praise the beach gets, it ultimately sucks? That part is up for discussion.
Fast forward to next morning. You’re both exhausted; not because you made love all night long, but because you were hogging the bed and he was snoring; or vice versa. Now what? Is it finally time for breakfast in bed?
For the sake of the argument, let’s say you stayed at your place, not his. Would you really want him going through your kitchen? Between digestive supplements and hormone control pills, you’re basically sending him off into an enchanted forest full of trolls; you don’t know if he’s gonna make it out alive. Let’s say he does; let’s say he even finds a semi-flat surface, a tray looking thing, that he can load the breakfast onto, in order to transfer it to bed, where you are probably still knocked out, drooling on your pillow. Isn’t that sweet? You get to sit up, still covered in blankets, and shove food in your face. What more could a girl wish for? Hmmm… How about breakfast at the kitchen table where it’s meant to be had? You know, the place where you’re not risking spilling coffee on your semi-Egyptian sheets from TJ Maxx? How about the place where you don’t have to be worried about leaving a residue of bread crumbs to roll over later? How about the fact that the sink is right there and you can deposit your dirty dishes where they belong instead of leaving them on your night stand? Whose responsibility is it to wash those anyway? If the guy makes breakfast for you, does he forfeit the right to clean up after himself because the ‘real‘ good deed is done? You didn’t say “I want breakfast in bed and for the guy to clean up after”; you just said “I want breakfast in bed”. So, go on Miss Cinderella, get to cleaning, because it’s Sunday and you best believe he’s made a mess.
You’re probably overwhelmed by now. I know; it’s my fault. I tend to drag these things out and present them in the darkest of colors. I like to get dramatic before I swift you away, back into neutral.
The concept of “breakfast in bed” isn’t as terrible as I’d just painted it out to be. It’s just severely misunderstood as a whole. Believe it or not, there is a way to do it right; it just involves a few modifications; to both the act and the mindset.
First and foremost, it’s important to understand that breakfast “in bed” needs not to be consumed in bed. It just needs to be made while you’re in bed. Obviously, the beach, the stars, the moon and the kissing in the rain isn’t even a part of it; it was merely supplementary to my example of the ridiculousness that women proclaim they crave. Secondly, it can’t be a ‘first date’ type of deal. You need to know the person in order to be able to execute a proper ‘breakfast in bed’. You know, live together for some time at least; learn your likes and dislikes, familiarize yourself with the differences between their spice cabinet and their medicine cabinet, etc… How does she like her coffee? How does she like her eggs? Does she even eat breakfast? These are all important questions to ask.
Here’s my final say on the subject: If you’re in the kitchen and you’re doing it right, your significant other will smell it from the bedroom and come right out, sniffing and hugging, oozing with awe and appreciation. ‘Breakfast in Bed’ is overrated. Showing that you care in a way that is beneficial to all parties involved is not. Now there’s true romance.