The whole ‘interview process’ has always been a dreadful event in my book. It’s not because I’m not amazing; I am. It’s because I hate the process behind it. Why can’t I just come in, have you look me up, down and through, and just know that I’m awesome? That’d be great, thanks. Let’s just fast forward to when you hire me in spite of my good looks, which usually pertain to laziness and entitlement; and keep me around due to my excellent attention to detail, knowledge of my craft, endless hard work and dedication. Really, that would be superb; would really save both you and me a lot of time and stress.

But of course, it doesn’t work like that. No one has x-ray vision and there are unfortunately too many uglies to sift through before you strike gold; both from the employer’s standpoint and vice versa. So while you’re going from one interview to the next, here’s a bit of advice on how to handle yourself. Keep in mind that this is coming from someone who absolutely hates being interviewed; someone who almost always botches it in one way or another, only to come home and reflect on everything that took place and hopefully do it a little better the next time around. 

I present to you my reflections:

–DO–

1. Research – If it’s a restaurant job, it always helps to take a solid peek at the menu before showing up to the interview. Always come beyond prepared. It helps to know a few additional details about the place you’re applying for, such as when it was established or any sort of hardship it went through before it blossomed into the “amazing place it is today”
2. Flattery goes a long way – Compliment the environment, praise the vibes – do whatever you gotta do to make the person interviewing you think you actually like being there. Never mind that you might end up hating the mere thought of going to work at some point; that’s not how great love stories begin. You love everything about the place and you can’t get enough. You want it to be a part of your life more than anything. Your ass is broke and the struggle is real, so even though you’re not exactly telling the truth when you say things like “Oh my Gosh, I can’t wait to be part of the team! I am such a people person”, you’re not technically lying either; you want the job. 
3. Show up early – You know that saying? Early is on time. On time is late. Late is – don’t bother coming. That. Always that. Calculate your commute ahead of time. Never blame traffic or the uber driver that was driving super slow – nobody wants to hear that. Figure it out and get there on time; i.e. early. 
4. Dress appropriately – “Dress for the job you want; not the job you have” – I’ve always wondered about that saying. What if I’m a bartender but I want to be an astronaut? Should I show up to my shift wearing a space suit? Well… No. I think it’s important to recognize the drastic examples as such and move over to the realistic place in line. For example, if you’re a secretary but desperately want to move up the ladder, perhaps it might help your case if you’d stopped wearing timid cardigan sweaters and opted for a brightly colored power suit. If you’re a bartender or a server, you may not have much wiggle room with what you can wear. If you’re homeless and jobless, tired of begging for money, you might wanna pay a visit to the gas station and clean yourself up before you go and apply for a job you want; and let’s face it, that’s any job.If you’re tired of stripping, and you want to work in a more respectable place, then dress the part; maybe sending out a resume with you in a bikini on a front page isn’t the best idea. You get the point. Dress appropriately. 
5. Demonstrate your knowledge – Don’t be shy; show off your skills. You don’t even necessarily have to wait for them to ask you questions. Often times the interviewer is just going through the motions, thinking that you’re just another blob. They might not even ask you the right questions; sabotaging your chance to shine. So don’t wait for the questions! I mean, read the room obviously; don’t just blurt things out… But you know, feel it out and when the timing is right, slip that sucker in there; tell them that you just acquired the latest version of Excel and have been having more fun with spreadsheets than you’d ever imagined; point out that you noticed their Japanese whiskey selection and that you’re very fond of the Prohibition Era inspired cocktails — basically do and say whatever fits your goal and whatever strokes their curiosity. 
6. Ask questions – When the “Do you have any questions” inevitably comes, absolutely ask questions. It’s important to ask the right questions. Ask about company’s goals and the best ways you can contribute to its success; ask about growth opportunities and challenges, both of which you should of course express vast interest in. Definitely ask when you should expect to hear back from them; it’s always good to have a time frame in mind.
7. Follow up – This is where that time frame comes in handy. If you don’t hear back from them in the given time frame, reach out and inquire. What’s the worst that can happen? It’s not like you’re calling the moment you left the interview, therefore deeming yourself annoying and borderline psycho. You’re doing the sensible thing; following up. Sometimes things happen, resumes fall through the cracks, priorities shift, etc. You may have been the best person for the job but you didn’t get it because you’d failed to take that extra step to simply follow up; and now someone less qualified than you has that job because they decided to make the call. 

-DON’T-

1. Speak negatively of your former or current employer – Be civil. Give as little information as possible. Fact of the matter is if you’re talking shit about your current or past employer now, then who’s to say you won’t be doing the same thing in the future. No employer wants that.
2. Downplay positions other than the one you’re seeking – Be humble. Sometimes you gotta start at the bottom and climb your way up. You definitely don’t want to come in with your feathers spread out wide, peacocking through the halls, just to be offered a dishwasher position, which you know you can’t turn down because you got bills to pay, and now you’re that guy; the guy that’s too good for the job he has. Nobody likes that guy. 
3. Drink a beer while waiting – Drink water. That’s just common sense. You may flaunt that you’re an alcoholic to your friends on the internet, because it’s cool and socially acceptable, but a job interview is a bird of a whole different color. 
4. Flirt – Be professional. Anything that starts with a flirtation in a work environment ends in a disaster. Sure, once you get to know each other, it’s different. In the restaurant industry for example, flirting and exchanging dirty jokes are two of the main vessels for maintaining your sanity. However, slapping your coworker’s ass whilst passing each other in the back, is vastly different from hearing your interviewer say “The shifts here are long and hard” and responding with “I love it long and hard”. Ya feel me? 
5. Talk Money – Too soon. Don’t ask about benefits, holiday pay or overtime. Don’t bring up days you’d rather not work or all the vacations you’re planning on taking. There’s nothing wrong with mentioning how much you’d like to make on average; that’s actually an important factor to get out of the way, as neither you nor the employer wants to wastes time if it’s ultimately not a good fit. However, keeping it general and realistic is a better way to go rather than shooting for the moon, asking for more than what even you know, or should know, is reasonable.  
6. Get into your whole life story – Too much. No one wants to know about every single detail of your past working relationships with a sprinkle of romantic relationships that caused you to move around and eventually lead you into the arms of your interviewer; you may think it’s relevant to your character or whatever, but it isn’t. Keep it simple. Talk about the past with your girlfriends and your inner voices. Stick to the present on your job interview if you want any sort of future with the company you’re applying for. 
7. Forget the name of the interviewer – Very important. People love hearing their own name. Even if you messed up here and there during the interview process; as long as you leave the room, shaking their hand, smiling, thanking them and addressing them by name, you’re one step ahead. It should be the first thing you memorize when you walk in and the last thing you utter when you walk out. You have to actually make that tiny little bit of an effort to do so; the interviewer doesn’t; your name is in front of them the whole time. So when they say, “Thanks for coming in, Anastasia, it was nice meeting you”, your response probably shouldn’t be “It was great meeting you too uhhhhh”.

Although my examples, job title wise, may not have been very diverse; what with the office environment, the restaurant industry and the featured homeless person and what not; I am confident that these basic points apply to any and all fields as far as job interviews go.  You also might be wondering how many of these I’m personally guilty of; trying to figure out how I’ve managed to come to these brilliant conclusions… The answer to that question is: some; not all; enough to make me want to adjust and help others do the same. You’re welcome. I’d wish you good luck but if you follow this simple guide and combine it with common sense, you won’t need it.

Featured Image