I stumbled upon this movie during one of my ‘I need to watch something simple and entertaining that doesn’t take much brain power to process’ nights. It had Piper and that other funny and kind famous dude on the cover, which was enough for me to click ‘play’. I was not disappointed. Spoiler Alert – it gets freaky dicky.
Fantastic opening scene: a married couple is having awkward sex. He keeps telling her to say he has a huge dick, and as she does so, she keeps telling him to make circles; followed by both of them trying to finish themselves off before the kid wakes up. Now that’s sexy! Of course the kid wakes up and ruins everything. He runs into the room screaming “It smells weird in here!” Oh please! Like you’d be able to identify a sex smell and proclaim it to be ‘weird’. You’re a child. You don’t know weird.
A little background story… Alex, Emily and their kid whose name isn’t important had just moved from Seattle to Los Angeles. She works and he stays home; a dynamic that both of them are self-conscious about of course, but it’s not terribly obvious. The husband is desperate to make friends. His wish comes true one beautiful day in the park.
Here they are playing around, and mommy shows up with gummy worms because she was feeling guilty about not spending quality family time. How sweet. So the kid is off gallivanting with another random kid – good times. Before you know it, the other kid’s father (a weirdo in a hat and glasses who hates children’s happiness) approaches them with the gummy worm, claiming that it’s a horrible thing to end up in kids’ bellies. His name is Curt. We see a lot of Curt in the future.
Curt and his wife Charlotte live in LA. Curt invites Alex and Emily to their home; welcome to the neighborhood sort of gesture. This is where shit gets really interesting. These two teach their kid both Spanish and French at the age of way too freaking young but whatever. She’s a stay at home mom with an acting background and he turns sewage water into healthy drinking water with his very own, top of the line filtration system… Yeah. They have a whole routine when it comes to putting their kid to bed. It involves blue lights, soothing music and sweet sounds. The couple demonstrates this system when they convince Alex and Emily to put the kids to bed and stay a little longer. They’re quite pushy, these two. There’s definitely a swingers vibe in the air.
First of all, when asked about Charlotte’s acting, Curt eagerly puts on a video that demonstrates one of her ‘roles’. Said role is of a woman doing a breastfeeding tutorial; or rather ‘how to properly use a breast pump’. Oh yeah – boobs out and everything. Slightly mortified, Alex and Emily start questioning if they should continue to stay there or not; like, babe, these people are weirdos… And then the bong comes out prompting their decision to quickly be swayed into the ‘yes’ zone. Next thing you know, they’re surrounded by disco lights; jumping around, dancing and bobbing their heads. Pretty sure weed isn’t the drug to make you do that sort of thing, but hey what do I know. Whatever they’re “smoking” eventually wears off. Now they’re taking tours of the house. The girls end up on a bed with dim lighting, where Emily finds out that Curt and Charlotte sleep in different rooms; and the boys end up in Curt’s dungeon where Alex finds out that one of Curt’s hobbies is to paint buttholes. Yeah, he calls them ‘portals’. Before you know it, Alex is on all fours in front of a green screen, posing for Curt in front of the camera. You think that’s weird? It gets better.
Alex and Emily take a second crack at the whole ‘it’s late we better go home’ thing… Curt and Charlotte’s response to that is ‘naw, let’s get naked and jump into the pool instead’. First goes Curt, taking off his clothes and casually displaying a giant, hairy horse cock, followed by Charlotte, sporting a sweet landing strip. Dicks aren’t new to the big screen, plus it’s Netflix; a clear view of the Vag is slightly more rare, but again, it’s Netflix so whatever. So they jump in the pool. After a brief private discussion, Alex and Emily decide to give into the whole swimming shenanigans but remain in their underwear. Reason being, of course: they’re both far too self-conscious about their bodies in comparison to the power couple that just so nonchalantly put their parts on display.
It doesn’t take long for the pool scene to progress from swimming and champagne popping to puking followed by hot-tubbing. This is when we discover the true reason Alex decided to remain in his underwear. Turns out he has an abnormally small penis – a fact he shares with the rest of the group post throwing up. As if we ever doubted that that was the case seeing as how he kept asking Emily to tell him about his huge cock in the beginning of the movie; poor guy. So there he is, in the hot tub, vulnerable as ever, finally having embraced the truth about his tiny weiner. As I’m sure you can imagine, it doesn’t end there… The micro penis-embracing ceremony takes a step forward; involving a proper introduction, a boom box and the two of them jumping around naked with both of their dicks out. That’s not one naked penis you see in this movie, ladies and gentlemen, but two; well, one and a half.
At this point, Emily wants to leave before things get “crazy” as if they weren’t crazy already, in response to which Alex tells her to loosen up and get naked. Meanwhile, Charlotte is all like ‘ooopsies, looks like we’ve run out of booze, who wants to go on a liquor run?’ motioning to Emily, who at this point is just like ‘fuck it, I guess we’re doing this’. So off they go on a liquor run, which ends up being not a liquor run at all of course, because there’s still 5 bottles of whiskey at the house. No, they end up going to an Asian massage parlor, in the middle of the night. Needless to say, it was very much a happy ending kind of place. The weird part about it wasn’t the fact that dudes paid money to get off via “massage”; the weird part was that Charlotte paid money to whack some guy off and have Emily watch through a peep hole from a closed, adjacent room. Yeah; that happened.
They come back to the house. “Emily, can I get you a stiff one?” asks Curt, whilst offering her a cocktail. Good one, Curt.
Fast forward. Things get heated. Charlotte is putting the moves on Alex, lunging in with a kiss. Meanwhile Emily is introduced to Curt’s butthole paintings in the basement. All this is shortly followed by another semi-private discussion between Alex and Emily, where they accuse one another of being bored with their relationship and wanting to have sex with other people. She’s all like ‘you can’t stop staring at her breasts!’ and he’s all like ‘well you’re probably imagining what it’s like to feel Curt’s giant schlong inside you’. All of that prompts the inevitable and quite frankly way overdue confrontation. Alex lays all the cards out on the table, or rather on the bed cause that’s where the confrontation takes place; in the bedroom. He bluntly questions what the eff is going on. What’s with the breast feeding video? What’s with all the nakedness? What’s with the dick measuring contest, literally? If you’re trying to have sex with my wife, does that mean your wife is up for grabs too? In the midst of this fiery speech Charlotte interrupts him and says “It’s you that he wants, Alex, not Emily!” Holy twist! I guess that explains the Butthole paintings! Oh yeah, turns out these two are best friends, but just aren’t in the same place ‘sexually’. Evidently that’s why she runs off to give handjobs to random dudes; because they want different things. Well, she still wants his thing but the problem is that he doesn’t want her thing, I guess.
So there they stand dumbfounded, stumbling for words but looking relieved, as if the information that they just heard is somehow more settling and not in fact more disturbing… How that kind of a reveal turned into a chill session with the four of them smoking weed and talking about losing their virginities is beyond me. And then they were like ‘Oh my Gosh would you look at the time? I have to work today. Hug it out and call it a night?’ – Sure. So they embrace in a group hug. Next thing you know, Curt and Alex embrace in a little more than a hug – oh yeah, they full-on make out. Next thing you know Curt is on his back and Alex is stroking the D. Apparently it takes all of one night and a really big dick to turn a straight guy into Curious George. Robes come off. Nods of approval take place. Girls join in. Tongues come out. It’s ON.
Of course it doesn’t get much further than that because the kids wake up. They run in screaming, interrupting everything that Curt and Charlotte have worked so hard to build; people fly off the bed, blankets go up to cover the privates, etc. Kids ruin everything – a bunch of little cock blockers. Curt, responsible adult and father that he is, rushes them out of the room.
– What were you guys doing?
– We were just wrestling!
– Cool! Who won?
– Oh it was a tie!
Sure it was… Sure it was.
It’s daylight. Alex and Emily are strolling home with their kid in hand. Talk about a walk of shame. It’s not long before the couples run into each other at the park. ‘Oh hey, that was fun; we should totally do it again sometime. Yeah, totally; maybe just in a public setting though. Yeah, for sure. Ha-ha, he-he. Let’s go watch our kids play in the sand together. Good idea.’
The end.