When someone says ‘how are you’ in passing, should you get into every nitty-gritty detail of your day/ life and how you currently feel about it in response? No, you should not. Similarly, not every ‘thank you’ warrants a ‘you’re welcome’ in response. There are of course times when a ‘you’re welcome’ is in order; it’s called being polite. When someone opens the door for you, and you say thank you, the person responds with ‘you’re welcome’ – it’s a pleasant interaction between two human beings. One person performs an act of kindness, another acknowledges it and the first person replies with a statement that implies that they’re happy to do it again. You are welcome. Another good example would be thanking a relative or a friend for doing you a favor of sorts. Hey, thanks so much for watching the kids today; oh yeah no problem, you’re welcome.

And then there are times where it’s perfectly okay if not preferable to be quiet instead of saying the words ‘you’re welcome’. Many will disagree with me; many have, in fact; saying that I think too much into it and that I should just take it for what it is. Much like with the earlier example, ‘how are you’ – no one actually cares about how you are doing when they ask that question; they ask it because it’s become the norm, a convenient form of ‘hello’. I too am guilty of using ‘how are you’ as merely a greeting. However, do we really need more of these inane norms? For example, is it really okay that the colloquial meaning of the word ‘literally’ officially changed just because so many people were misusing it? I don’t think so. So forgive me, but I strongly believe that there’s a time and place for ‘you’re welcome’ and just because someone says ‘thank you’ isn’t it. 

1. SARCASM – Imagine… Your significant other is mad about something. They’re going on and on about how upset they are; a sarcastic comment or two is bound to enter the mix.
   – The sprinkler broke, the plumber took forever, I got my period in the car, and they were out of eggs at the supermarket, so thank you very much for pointing out that your favorite pair of underwear is in the wrong drawer
   – You’re welcome.
   
   BOOM! You’ve just set off an explosion. You could have just stayed quiet but you heard ‘thank you’ and your impulse to say ‘you’re welcome’ overtook the common sense portion of your brain that was begging you to shut your trap and leave it alone.
   
2. ETIQUETTE – When you sneeze and someone says ‘Bless you’, it’s customary to reply with ‘Thank you’. It’s not however an invitation for that person to reply back with ‘You’re welcome’. Whenever I hear that, I literally cringe. What do you mean ‘you’re welcome’? You’re not God; you’re not his messenger, walking around blessing people that have a tickle in their nose. Don’t get all ‘You are welcome child for I have blessed thee’ on me; you mean nothing to me. This is a simple transaction; one and done. You say the thing they taught you to say when someone sneezes; I politely acknowledge and accept your social kindness – the end.
   
3. GOODS – When someone offers you something that you want, it’s only natural to do the whole ‘thanks/ you’re welcome’ thing.
   
   – You want half of my sandwich?
   – Sure, thanks!
   – You’re welcome!
   
   See that? That is an example of a properly functioning exchange of goods and pleasantries. You get to enjoy a perfectly delicious sandwich that you want, and the other person is happy that you’re happy. You’re always welcome to half of my food if it makes you this happy, friend. <3
   
   – Hey man, I’m moving in with my girlfriend. You want my old cum-stained futon? I also have some ripped socks that she doesn’t like and a bunch of raggedy t-shirts as well as some used underwear that you’re welcome to have.
   – No thank you.
   – Okay, you’re welcome.
   
   That^ is an example of a poorly functioning exchange of unwanted goods and falsely labeled “pleasantries”. Nobody wants your junk man. THANKS for offering though. Have you met my friend Sarcasm? Ya’ll should hang.
   
4. SEX – This honestly should go without saying but given a recent example from a friend of a friend, apparently an explanation is in order. So this guy was going down on a girl and after they were finished and lying in bed together, he had expressed that she ‘smells so good down there’. Finding it a bit awkward, not knowing what to say, she found herself uttering the words ‘Thank you’. To which of course, given the nature of this article, the guy replies with ‘You’re welcome’. Ummm, nooo, YOU’RE WELCOME. You’re welcome for my wonderfully smelling vagina. You’re welcome for the opportunity to have it in your mouth. If anything, you should be thanking me, not the other way around, but here we are! It’s not like you gave me the most intense orgasm of my life just now and I’m lying there, only able to express gratitude, in which case you are more than welcome to be smug and be like, ‘you’re welcome’ and then I’ll be like, yes, you are God, please do that again and forever. THAT DIDN’T HAPPEN. What had happened was I kept my vagina clean and you got to enjoy it, so thanks for acknowledging it but you’re in no place to say ‘you’re welcome’ to me. 

Lighten up, they say. It’s just words, they say. 

Here’s the thing. I like words. I like play on words. I even like to butcher words for the sake of comedy sometimes. This whole ‘you’re welcome’ phenomenon isn’t a joke however; it’s not a fad. People aren’t going around saying ‘you’re welcome’ every chance they get like they did with ‘Damn Daniel’; people are using it in response to every ‘thank you’ they hear like some kind of programmed robots that don’t know any better. To me personally, hearing it misplaced like that is like nails on a chalkboard every single time. Lighten up? I’m a ray of freaking sunshine. I’m shining on that chalkboard several times a day and I’m sorry, but that shit is annoying no matter how bright I am.

So please, do take this newfound knowledge and use your words more wisely from now on. You’re welcome.