This guy… Living at the house that he does and being a part of a larger project the grasp of which he still can’t fathom, he’s assigned to make the back of the house better. You know; find gravel to cover the bald spots, fix the fence, put up the LED lights, etc. So at some point he’s on Craigslist; in search of good deals and free stuff to accommodate the above mentioned – good thinking. He stumbles upon an ad which features a puppy that needs a new home due to being abused by a bigger dog; a dog that’s been there longer that won’t let go of ‘the territory’.

This guy… Takes it upon himself to ‘save’ the dog and bring it home; a noble act. He could have asked the owner of the house for permission first, but noooo; he’s got his own head on his shoulders and that head gives zero fucks about the consequences, because you know – “Friends” and stuff.

So he brings the dog home and gives it a trailer trash name – Trixie Tango. Sometimes he’d refer to her as ‘Bark Bark’ which he would say with an animated, kind of nasally voice. Her real name was Daniel, but that’s beside the point. He then proceeds to advocate rules and regulations as far as raising and “training” the dog goes.

• You can’t feed the dog anything other than dog food
• The dog doesn’t eat more than twice a day
• You only give her a treat if she deserves it; aka if she completes a certain command

That doesn’t seem so bad, right? Sounds like he knows what he’s doing… Except for the part where he forgets about the dog needing to be properly potty-trained.

She was cute, don’t get me wrong; but every time she would either get excited or scared or feel nothing at all except not having the ability to control her bladder, she would just pee all over the place. It would happen in the kitchen; it would happen on the couches; it would happen on the carpet, and it would happen on the bed…

This guy… Every time the dog would commit said crime, he would scold her. On some level he obviously felt as though he’d failed as a ‘parent’. On another level he would do absolutely nothing to fix it. He would just keep talking to her, like a toddler with human brains, saying things like “Come on now, this isn’t how we do things around here; you be a good girl, you; or else”.

This guy… The dog would continue to pee everywhere she’d see fit and he’d blame it on the fact that we neglected to keep the doors open in order for her to go outside while he was at work. Meanwhile, ‘Trixie Tango’ would pop a squat right in front of my face, in my bedroom, because she simply didn’t know any better; looking at me as she was squeezing out her pee tendrils all over the carpet in my room.

This guy… He finally decided he’d had enough of everyone’s complaining and at the risk of having his ‘father skills’ scrutinized any further, he decided to get the puppy ‘cage-trained’ once and for all. He ordered a cage on Amazon, which was maybe three times the size of the dog, if that. He then put the dog inside the cage, locking it in the closet of “his room” before leaving for work for an entire day… But not before leaving specific instructions for everyone in the house that’s ever had any complaints about the dog pissing and leaving shit presents everywhere, to mind their own business and ignore any whining and squealing that might occur.

Poor pup… First she’s brought into a home where she’s immediately attacked by a resident dog. Then she’s taken away from there and into a new home where she’s introduced to a whole bunch of new people who want to do nothing but smother her with love and affection. As she gets acclimated to freedom, green grass and plenty of room to run around amongst humans that constantly want to do nothing but rub her belly and scratch behind her ears, she gets shoved into a jail cell for 10 hours straight with not even so much as a water bowl.  What kind of dog-training is that?! Crate training is a thing – yes. This however, was not it. She would cry for hours on end; you’d be able to hear her through numerous walls; a record of which exists by the way in case you ever listen to dog torture.

Opening the cage under any circumstances was considered undermining his authority, even if it was to give her some water. Giving her any sort of attention was considered breaking the rules. She was completely petrified by the time he got home and she was “officially” allowed to leave the cage; she was constantly scared that she would be ‘punished’ again. She completely lost the playful part of her personality; walking around with sad eyes and her tail down…

This guy… He’ll never admit what he’s done; mostly because in his eyes, he’s always the victim; idiot.