Dating is weird. I don’t like it. I try to avoid it altogether but every now and again, typically after not having been dating for a while, I’ll think to myself… Maybe they’ve changed it since the last time. Maybe it’s not so bad. It’s kind of like when you’ve settled on the fact that you don’t like a certain type of food, so being an adult that’s capable of making decisions, naturally you choose to exclude it from the things you put in your mouth. Then someone comes along and they’re all like ‘but you haven’t tried it this way; trust me you’ll like it’ and you’re all like ‘Naw, I’ve heard that before and last time I trusted someone, I ended up being sick to my stomach’… But they insist that their way is different somehow and much better, and that you’d be silly not to give things a second and third chance; because every time you don’t give something a chance you miss out on an opportunity to discover something great.

So you think about it; mull it over in your head a few times. You don’t wanna be the type of person that’s stuck in their ways; you want to be the type of person that’s open to possibilities. Then again, you’re an adult and you’ve been there done that; you’ve decided more than once that this “food item” isn’t for you, so why chance it? And still, against your better judgment you go ahead and eat it anyway. And guess what? It still sucks.

That’s how I feel about dating. It still sucks. I go without it for months and at times even years, and I don’t miss it one bit. Sitting in front of a stranger that I’m barely attracted to, if at all, exchanging personal information, likes and dislikes isn’t appealing to me. Playing ‘the dating game’ isn’t appealing to me. Justifying my actions and explaining why I am the way that I am isn’t appealing to me. In fact, it’s exhausting.

That’s why dating has become more of a project; a series of experiments rather than an actual act of seeking love or whatever the reason people go on dates in the first place. Every time I perform one of my dating experiments, I do it bulk style; get it out of the way. I gather as much information as I can in as little time as humanly possible. Usually, it doesn’t take more than a few dates to collectively provide me with enough material to warrant me not having to repeat this dating thing again for a long, long time.

These recent ones are quite the gems, let me tell you.

1. THE MOUNTAIN MAN – This guy spent a week waiting around for his boy to hook it up with the digits before he finally gathered the balls to ask me himself. I gave him my phone number, to be honest solely because he towered over me like a mountain and that’s hot. The only thing he could muster to text me was his name. It wasn’t even a full sentence like ‘hey it’s so and so, I’m excited to finally take you out’; it was just his name. Now, I get that in this day and age this sort of thing isn’t exactly a big deal, but come on dude; I’m not a teenage girl in high school; you’re gonna have to try a little harder than that. Correction; you’re gonna have to try. Following that outstanding introduction, came the process of figuring out where to go on our date. I told him straight up – I don’t like to make decisions. You’re the man, you figure out where you want to take me. His response is “How about the Cheesecake Factory?” Well then! How about I’m gonna pretend you didn’t say that and we try this again, shall we? You see, here’s the thing. There’s nothing wrong with Cheesecake Factory… if you’ve been married for 10 years and the kids are screaming, and it’s the only thing around that isn’t horrible. It isn’t however a place that you take someone on a first date to; especially not in Los Angeles that’s full of interesting and unique spots. So whatever, I let it slide; but we do go to a place that I suggested instead. Fast forward to a couple weeks from said date, with no interaction whatsoever in between, and this fool texts me at 4pm saying “Hey, I don’t have to go to the gym until 8. You wanna come over?” …I gotta tell you, I’ve never been courted so hard in my life. If that’s not the most flattering thing I’ve ever heard; if that’s not the most generous time frame I’ve ever been presented with in order for me to be graced with this man’s presence, I don’t know what it is. I mean, “come over” – that’s like the sexiest thing ever. Yeah, sure, let me just put my running shoes on and I’ll sprint right on over to you. You’ve got to be kidding me. Peace, I’m out!

   

2. THE TRAINER – The next guy was borderline obnoxious. The only reason I gave him my number was because he talked a big game about being a professional trainer and kicking my ass back into shape. Yeah, no; he barely works out himself, let alone trains others. So anyway, we go out drinking, which to me is perfectly fine as a first date contrary to my strong opinions about the Cheesecake Factory. We end up back at my house because whatever, we have decent enough of a time to continue the festivities. This is where it becomes apparent that this man has zero manners. Not only is he walking around like he owns the place, opening my fridge and taking the towels from my bathroom, but evidently he thinks it’s okay to open a door of a bedroom and proceed to watch my half naked roommate sleep. Fool, are you for real? Boy, bye.

   

3. THE ARMENIAN – The next one was interesting. I was skeptical at first given the fact in response to my typical “I don’t like to make decisions; you figure out where you’re gonna take me” statement, he responded with “Have you ever been to Cheesecake Factory?” Seriously, what is it about me that screams ‘I love mediocre chain food restaurants’? Alas, he takes me out on a proper date; even picks me up unlike the above degenerates. We have a great time; good conversation, delicious food and wine; he drives me home like a perfect gentleman. The next day he tells me he’s thinking about me. That’s nice to hear, I tell him. “What’s wrong?” he goes. “What do you mean? Nothing. It’s nice to hear that you’re thinking about me”. He doesn’t let up – “What’s wrong? What happened? Do you need help?”… Slightly confused and growing to be irritated by this, I practice my patience and explain to him yet again that everything is fine. I could not have been clearer. He goes “I’m gonna call you in a few”. Oh my God, whaaaat is this guy’s problem; why does he not understand simple words?! Mind you, I’ve already expressed to him that I abhor talking on the phone; can’t stand it, never do it; the end. He seemed to understand it when I was explaining it but actions clearly speak louder than words because even after I told him, once again, that everything is fine and that there’s no need to call me, he calls me. I don’t pick up. For one, I’m busy; more importantly, I don’t want to. He then floods me with text messages about how it’s important to talk on the phone sometimes and how we can’t go through life being constantly busy; that we need to have fun and step outside of our comfort zone. Blah blah blah. Yeah, I know all that, but dude, we’ve been on one date; lay off my case. Meet me for coffee, he says. I tell him I can’t because I’m busy. It’s not like I was lying either. He starts questioning my schedule! Oh really, you’re so busy you can’t meet me for a cup of coffee at 1pm? That is correct; that is what I just said, yes. Ugh. I have neither time nor patience for this. Goodbye!

   

4. THE RUSSIAN – Literally the only reason I gave him my phone number is because he’s Russian. He contacted me on Tinder; didn’t even say anything out of the ordinary to get the digits; just kept being persistent with it. Eventually I was like fuq it, he’s Russian, we probably have things in common because, culture… We hung out more than I’d like to admit seeing as how I obviously could have been doing better things with my time. On our first date he told me that I look better in person because looking at my pictures he thought that “I’m not beautiful enough to be as stingy with the digits for so long”… Excuse you? I’m sure in your twisted mind, you think you’re paying me a compliment, but in reality you’re just being a jackass. On a second date he tried to get frisky; an offer that I politely declined. Throughout the entirety of our knowing one another he kept mentioning that he’s gonna spank me for bad behavior. Like okay buddy; I like spanking as much as the next gal but there’s a time and place. Don’t use that shit as a way to reprimand me for responding with ‘not really’ to your ‘miss me?’ text messages. I swear this guy had some sort of ‘little girl’ issues; he kept wanting to teach me a lesson or something. Fool, I’m not a little girl and you’re not my daddy. On our third date, he tried to get frisky again. I declined again, which he seemed to be confused by. Oh I’m sorry, am I not beautiful enough to say ‘No’ to you The Magnificent Human? Fk outta here. They say third time is the charm, eh? Not in this case.

   

That about sums it up. I tested dating yet again; I took it out for a spin several more times even though it has demonstrated major suckage in the past. I took a chance! I’m done now. It’ll be a while before I open these gates of hell again. No thank you; life is much better being single.

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