Dear Prince,

My initial response to your very public gripe of neglect would have landed you in therapy, which your daddy and I would inevitably end up paying for both literally and figuratively. Therefore, my response is the following:

I would like to extend my sincere apologies for having been selfish and lazy the entire time that I’ve known you. Clearly I haven’t been taking care of my baby like I should have. This whole time I thought I was helping you grow into a wonderful self-sufficient man that you have the potential to be; turns out I’ve just been rudely neglecting the needs of someone who’s already on the right track in life. Obviously you know what you’re doing; Grinder isn’t gonna grind itself and that couch would feel purposeless if it wasn’t for you. Without you, those and many other very important things in life would be useless to us as a society.

Reading your article made me want to do nothing but cuddle and feed you ‘til the end of time. So what if you don’t know the concept of ‘Please’ and ‘Thank you’? It’s not your fault. I shouldn’t punish you for things you’ve never had any control over, like the fact that your mommy provided you with endless yum yums on a regular basis and tended to your every need. I realize now instead of teaching you useful skills I should have done that which is easier and less time consuming for everyone, especially me and just continue accommodating the lifestyle that you’re used to.

Next time my ‘Vag’ and I put on a pair of pants and go to work, I’ll make sure to resent every minute of it as I think about you and your dick lounging around without even so much as a grilled cheese sandwich in your mouth. Oh wait no, I must apologize again. You don’t like those. Remember that one time that I made you one from scratch out of the very last ingredients and you threw it in my face? Damn it, when will I learn? It’s all about the flatbread. Refrigerator must be stocked only with the things that you like and fresh meals need to be prepared on the regular basis regardless of any other tasks in the mix as they are ultimately not as important as keeping you fed. I’ll try to remember that.

I’ll also make sure that your daddy is up to speed on the issue. While my place as a woman is obviously in the kitchen, I’m gonna need to stay put. So your daddy @Richardland too needs to get his shit together and instead of constantly working and providing for the whole family, he needs to get his ass over here with groceries. How dare he? Gosh, I’m so sorry we’ve been putting you through this misery, my poor baby. Rest assured, going forward I have full intentions of combining my talent as a bartender and the gift that is biology solely to benefit you and you alone; you shall never be starving again, my Prince.

Love, Annie.