People get married, have children and stuff and the next thing you know your fridge is full of their family’s holiday post cards. I never thought I’d be one of those people. I’m not one of those people. Then there are people that don’t have children or spouses, but have pets as their companions instead. They dress them up in weird outfits, give them fancy haircuts, hire dog sitters for obscenely short periods of time so their dog doesn’t get lonely, yada yada yada.

Granted I’m neither here nor there but I feel like I’m standing on a cliff of koo koo town. The other day I celebrated my dog’s birthday. If you think that’s bad, let me preface by saying that he turned 5 months. That’s not even a half birthday! I don’t know how it happened. The normal in me, the little that I still have left, sorta just spun out of control and the next thing I knew I was standing in line in Party City, buying him a pink hat with feathers.

I didn’t book an event space or invite a bunch of people or anything… I opted for a low key amateur photo session instead; just me and my pup. I guess I didn’t want to miss the chance to demonstrate a time where he’s still a cute little monster and I’m still bigger than him.

Looking through the pictures and marking the calendar, I thought to myself ‘Wow, what a hipster thing to do’ – It’s like, I don’t really care that it’s my dog’s not-even-half-birthday, but I kinda sorta care; enough to spend the day chasing him, trying to get him to wear a stupid hat. Ultimately I find the whole concept of celebrating your dog’s birthday pretty stupid so you could say I did it “ironically”… I mean it’s not like he knows what’s going on; he’s a dog.

So here’s how this selfish hipster act went down.

I tried to get him to wear the party hat but he downright refused. “What are you trying to do to me, mommy? This is uncomfortable” he kept exclaiming. So like an asshole, I put the hat on myself and was like “Here Dummy, this is how you do it. See?” And he was all like “The only thing I see is something shiny and new that I wanna tear apart with my teeths”. We wrestled for a bit and then I jumped in the water, thinking of course that he’d follow me and that I’d be able to put it on his head at least once while he’s swimming. No such luck. This guy is agile AF regardless of his surroundings; he just kept maneuvering his way out of it and snatching it away from me. Eventually, I gave up and just let him play. He was happy for about two minutes. Then he saw that I was having fun without him, taking selfies and underwater shots and whatnot, so he was all like “Oh no you don’t!” and proceeded to jump back into the pool. He used to be scared of the water but now he’s flying into it like Superman. I was so happy when he first started swimming, and I’m still happy that he likes it, but at times it’s downright scary. He’s so huge and heavy that when he thinks he’s saving you, he’s actually drowning you. At one point he got so excited with the jumping right on top of me and the biting and stuff that I had to put him in time out. Naturally he was confused as to why he was having all this fun and all of a sudden he’s on a leash with a muzzle on his beautiful face… So he cried and whined for a bit; long enough for him to pass out and for me to finish the underwater photo shoot all by myself; in peace.

What? That’s not how you’d celebrate your dog’s birthday?

Oh unclench. He lives a very happy life. Instead of playing Judge Judy, go to my FB page and feast your eyeballs on all the cuteness that took place on this semi-birthday of his.