How often do you find yourself holding the check presenter, staring at it in disbelief because the tip number is either significantly low or better yet, non-existent? How many times have you questioned humanity after you’ve gone above and beyond for a customer and they blatantly showed their lack of appreciation by tipping you a big, fat nothing? I’m willing to bet pretty often; mainly because I too have found myself in such a predicament on many occasions, so believe me, I know the feeling all too well.

Then it dawned on me. It’s not my fault; people are just shit.

I say “it dawned on me” loosely of course, because for starters, I’ve known that people are shit for quite some time now; the restaurant industry will do that to you. With time, you learn that in general, people hardly ever actually tip based on how good or bad they feel their service was. Those that tip poorly, were always going to tip poorly; they are just looking for an excuse to do so. Fact.

With that, I bring to you a helpful list of warning signs. You know, so that you’re not all shocked when you wait on someone hand and foot and they slap you with a 10%, or worse.

1. “CAN WE GET SOME SERVICE AROUND HERE?” – Those that stroll into a restaurant, bypassing the host stand and plopping their behinds at a table of their choosing (side note: regardless of its cleanliness) can not be trusted. These are the people that will complain that they don’t have any menus and that the table they’re seating at needs to be wiped. These are the same people that will randomly decide they want to sit elsewhere, after having already ordered drinks, and sometimes even food; taking it upon themselves to move around as they please. Watch out for these people, for these are the people that give no fcks and have no shame.
2. “EXCUSE ME???” – Those that are blind to their surroundings, demanding that the spotlight is on them at all times, are needy, inconsiderate toddlers, and therefore can not be taken seriously. These are the people that will snap their fingers at you; wave their napkins up in the air; scream your name across the bar if they know it; basically do anything to get your attention; almost always for something inane that could have definitely waited three and a half seconds.
3. ASKING FOR FAVORS – Those that try to cheat the system have no business being in your good graces. They’ll try anything; they have no qualms. Happy Hour ends at 6? These are the people that will ask you to ring in a couple of extra rounds for them at a discounted price; proceeding to take up your bar stools for another hour and a half. These are also the people that will try to bargain with you, switch out one happy hour drink for another; after happy hour is long gone. These are the people that do not, will not, ever, appreciate or even acknowledge a favor when it’s given to them. These are the people that will keep on pushing; they have no boundaries.
4. “I’LL TAKE CARE OF YOU” – Fake news. Any time, in the history of my entire bartending “career”, anyone that has ever uttered the words “I’ll take care of you” in exchange for anything, whether it be drinks after closing time or a “heavy pour”, has never, ever, actually taken care of me. You know that is a fact, because it’s never happened to you either. People that say “I’ll take care of you” either simply don’t know the meaning of the words or they do, and choose to make you ‘suck it’ because they can. It’s as simple as that.
5. A MILLION REFILLS– Whether it’s soda or water, guaranteed, your server/bartender is doing laps, making sure your thirst is quenched on the regular. Soda is what, like, four bucks, with free refills? Water is free. How much actual labor goes into the running around, refilling your glass, you rhino-serous, sugar-hungry, diabetic elephant, you? Answer: Infinity. How often do you express your appreciation via semi-decent tip? Answer: Almost never.
6. “I’VE ALWAYS WANTED TO BE A BARTENDER” – Imagine… A person that has violated your trust in at least 5 major ways, sits in front of you and tells you they’ve always wanted to have your job. At that point, what do you do? Do you laugh in their face and tell them they couldn’t handle a day in the industry; or do you continue to fake your way through this already unpleasant interaction, knowing damn well that this extra bit of attention you’re giving them isn’t going to do sh*t for the the amount of tip they aren’t going to leave you. The latter, of course.; unfortunately so.
7. “+” – People that refuse to give you a card in order to start a tab; people that make a stink about you asking for their ID; people that split the check 12 thousand ways; people that do “Cash, and the rest on the card” and then proceed to tip on the remaining amount that was charged to the card; people that ask for more liquor without wanting to pay for it; people that ask you to modify a cocktail with an idea of their own and then complain that they don’t like it; people that demand you comp their cocktails because ‘whatever reason’ — These are all indications of the fact that you’re dealing with a garbage person that more than likely either will not tip or will tip poorly; possibly combining it with a nasty message on the receipt. You know the ones – “Here’s a tip: get a real job”; “You should’n’t have called me Ma’am”; “Don’t be smiling at my mans, whore”; etc.

People that tip poorly were always going to tip poorly; it doesn’t matter what you do or don’t do for them. You may be an amazing bartender/ server; your knowledge is superb and your customer service skills are impeccable. Still, with these red flags in sight, chances are, your labor is not being compensated for. Also, people that tip well, would never put you through the wringer like that.

What do you do when you’re faced with all these warning signs? Nothing. There’s nothing you can do except understand and more importantly accept, that it’s not your fault; get annoyed, talk shit, get it out of your system and move on.

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