April 2020 – What a time to be alive! Bars are closed, credit card companies are sending out emails advising you to manage all your transactions online because they care about your well being, and you’re buying food to last you a week, three times a week. But most importantly, you have no idea what time it is or what day it is; you have no responsibilities, nowhere to go and no one to see – you’re in quarantine. So you resort to the most obvious, easiest, emotionally satisfying thing ever: you turn off all your alarms and plop yourself in front of the TV. How do you know when you’ve endured enough, or too much even? 

1. You don’t recognize any of the characters.
That’s because you’ve slept through the season finale and you’ve already moved on to the next show but it took you two episodes to realize it. Hulu was responsible for multiple of such mishaps. 

2. There’s an ass imprint where the couch cushion used to be. 
And why wouldn’t there be? The reasons for getting up are limited. You’re either emptying your bladder or accommodating your dog in doing so. Let’s face it, the only other times are for trips to either the kitchen or to open another bottle of wine. Luckily, your cat is all about the ass imprint; it becomes her new favorite spot on the couch, which both justifies the imprint and gives you a chance to work on another area of said couch. 

3. Your dog gives up on you. 
He used to be full of life and energy, always wanting attention; either begging to go to the park or at least chasing the cat around. Now he just lays there, barely lifting his head when you get up to go to the bathroom, just to make sure he can continue to lay there because you’re coming right back. 

4. Are you still watching?
Netflix is very good at reminding you that you’re a loser with no ambitions. Every three to four episodes it makes sure you at least still have a pulse to confirm that you are indeed still watching. You Tube also seems to care if you’re still listening time to time. Hulu doesn’t give a shit about you. 

5. You’re out of things to watch. 
What job? Relax, scrolling is your full time job now. Also rewatching things you’ve seen a million times is your full time job. It’s basically research. Maybe you missed something the first three times you’ve seen The Office. Yes, Michael Scott is a favorite returning character of mine, and I’m here to report, he’s still awesome. And no, I haven’t missed anything… 

As fun and dandy as all that can be… Here’s a suggestion. Don’t wait until your internet goes out to pick up a book. Turn off the oh so very entertaining idiot box, and pick up that book now. Hell, pick up a new habit! Pick up anything, really; just don’t pick up the remote control; except you know, to click the Off button. 

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