Russians aren’t particularly known for making good movies; at least not anymore. Back in the 80’s, people actually had talent and didn’t just rely on their looks while inserting genitals into their mouths in order to move up the ladder. It was then that some excellent films made it to the big screen; nowadays, even a semi-decent movie is a rarity. Even so, much like craving a burger with fries after a night of drinking, sometimes you find yourself craving the experience of watching something shitty. The difference between the two is you at least enjoy the burger as its juices are leaking all over your hands and mouth; the only benefit of watching a shitty movie is the fact that you won’t have that craving again for a while.
- THE THREESOME – One of these poor excuses of a production is called ‘8 New Dates’, which happens to be the middle part of a trilogy. There are also ‘8 First Dates’ and ‘8 Best Dates’; because making one horrible movie just isn’t enough. Based on the cast, I had a hunch that I may have already seen the first flick but I didn’t remember it clearly; so I quickly scanned through it just in case, confirming my suspicions. I must have blocked it out due to its unmemorable nature.
- THE ORIGINAL – Here’s what you didn’t miss in ‘8 First Dates’… Two strangers wake up in bed together, not knowing how they got there. They’re equally appalled seeing as how they both have significant others that they have to get home to. So they go their separate ways; kicking and screaming obscenities and accusations the entire time, just to wake up next to each other again the next day. It turns out the house that they wake up in has magical powers and is designed to bring together those that are meant to be. They don’t know that of course; so baffled as they are, after a few days they realize they can’t live without one another. That’s when the house disappears leaving them to fend for themselves, and that’s when they find a way to wake up next to each other without the help of magic, because you know; love wins.
- THE BIG IDEA – The ultimate premise isn’t terrible; it’s lighthearted and romantic, and it has potential if it’s carried out properly. But between the generally bad acting and unbelievably exaggerated behavior and situations, the outcome was not good. So it’s not like I didn’t know what I was getting into with the second part of this trilogy… But still, I saddled in my chair with a bottle of wine and pressed play.
- THE TWIST – The plot of the second movie is just as primitive as that of the first. It starts with the two from the first movie as a married couple; it’s their anniversary and evidently they’re already sick of one another. He wants a family with kids running around and a wife who cooks breakfast and cleans the floors instead of sleeping in until noon; and she wants a husband who can fix things around the house, doesn’t complain and doesn’t expect her to act like a housekeeper. So they have a fight before they go to bed and BAM, the next morning they wake up next to strangers. Thankfully they’ve been through this ‘magical experience’ before, so it doesn’t take long for them to figure out what’s happened; that being that they are now leading completely different lives with completely different people. They get everything they thought they wanted; and at first they behave like egotistical imbeciles; demonstrating how seemingly happy they are with their new lifestyle, flaunting it every chance they get. Soon enough though, they snap back to their senses being all like ‘Okay, this is nice and all but I love you; let’s be done with these shenanigans’. It’s a classic case of the switcheroo. “You always want what you can’t have” but once you’re given the chance to roll around on your neighbor’s green grass, you don’t want it anymore. The ‘other side’ loses its appeal, because there’s no place like home. But unless all you’re doing is literally rolling around in the grass, it’s never as simple as snapping your fingers to just go back home. Everyone knows that when magic is involved, an act of true selflessness has to be performed in order for things to go back to normal.
- THE LOVE FACTOR – What is love? Baby, don’t hurt me… The chick is the reason that phrases like “It’s never okay to hit a woman” lose their power. She smacked him all throughout the first movie and keeps smacking him in the second; right on the face! And he lets her! If I were him I would have punched her lights out already; that shit’s not cool. What’s worse is they make it seem like it’s a sign of passion which started out as a self-defense mechanism or sorts and eventually turned into love; I’m pretty sure someone in one of the three movies says “If she beats you, it means she loves you”. What kind of fucked up logic is that? Why does passion always have to be equivalent to violence? What’s with all the throwing around and breaking of things as you’re doing it?
- THE PLAN – Thinking that since a fight is what caused them to wake up in different lives in the first place, all they need to do is cause a fight with their current spouses and they’d switch right back… Wrong. So they proceed to do everything in the books in order to cause trouble; they withhold sex from their ‘partners, practically destroy the house, get drunk and insult the parents in law… They even commit a crime just so they would land in the same jail cell and spend the night together, which in itself isn’t very likely, but that’s beside the point. Regardless of their efforts, the plan fails as they continue to wake up in their fake lives.
- THE UNORIGINAL FACTOR – After nothing works, they finally give up; deciding that if they can’t spend the rest of their lives as a couple, they might as well forget each other exists; literally. Abandoning all responsibilities for the day, they decide to go to the clinic in the morning and erase all memories involving the two of them together… First of all, how dare you people dirty up the premise of a wonderful movie like ‘Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind’? Just because you can’t come up with an original idea for a selfless act to be made in order for love to win, you think it’s okay to steal that which already exists? Shame on you.
- THE LAST CALL – After spending the entire day together, inevitably going down the memory lane they’re both reminded of how much they love each other. So the next day; the day of the procedure, he finds himself at work talking to a circus elephant that won’t perform because he’s sad his girlfriend is no longer with him. Dude, you’re not Doctor Doolittle, okay? The elephant didn’t accuse you of giving up on love. Sure, “Happiness doesn’t like it when you get used to it; happiness likes it when you fight for it” is a wonderful realization but it shouldn’t take a conversation with an elephant to get there. Needless to say he drops everything and runs to the clinic to stop his loved one from making a huge mistake because obviously they can’t give up; they must keep fighting for their love. Sadly, upon arrival he runs into her on the stairs and she doesn’t recognize him. Thinking that all is lost forever, he figures he might as well go through with it too. So he goes upstairs and watches her leave through the window and it’s all very sad in a Rome & Juliet kind of way.
At the end of the movie is where the producers decide they’re so very clever by putting a twist on top of a twist. So they wake up next to each other as complete strangers, much like they did in the first movie. Way to bring it back around, guys… After a quick screaming match and the all-too-familiar smacking around, they realize that neither one of them went through with the procedure, and they both remember everything. Apparently a selfish act of keeping the memories to themselves even though the other person supposedly gets rid of them was enough to ‘break the spell’ in this scenario. Or perhaps it was the fact that they’re both equally fucked up that Magic decided to just leave them be. I mean what was the purpose of pretending not to know him as she was coming down the stairs? That’s so dumb.
Gee, I wonder what ‘8 Best Dates’ is about. I’m sure it’s not at all worse than the other two.