I love my pup and he undoubtedly loves me back, but let me tell you, this mutually loving relationship of ours isn’t without occasional screaming matches, stressful situations, outsiders sticking their noses into our business, endless expenses, and much, much more. This is my life now; a woman and her large dog living in Los Angeles.

1. SIZE MATTERS – Renting an apartment in Los Angeles with a dog the size of mine is close to impossible. You’re either getting a house or you’re a proud owner of a Service Animal. My little guy is a healthy mix of Great Dane, English Mastiff and Alabi, so as you can imagine I have in my possession a pony, rather than a dog.
   
2. BIG BALLS = BIG BILLS – The bigger the dog, the bigger the hole in your wallet becomes. We’re talking more food, bigger beds, better and more durable toys; vet visits are hella more expensive. It even costs more to cut their balls off, because the price goes up as the weight of the dog increases. Speaking of balls, in the state of California, the only way to let your dog keep his balls is if you register as a breeder. Fun fact.
   
3. YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT BIG HANDS – They’re great for picking up big poops. Women aren’t known to have giant paws with scooping powers; luckily though, we have two hands and opposable thumbs, so we manage, but still.
   
4. FEELING BLUE – More like looking blue actually. Big dogs tend to think that they’re tiny little lap dogs and that their paws weigh nothing when they playfully smack you around, leaving bruises and scratches, unknowingly marking their territory. Before you know it, people start coming up to you, asking if you need to talk to somebody and if you’re okay, because it legit looks like you’re in a violent domestic situation.
   
5. CASUAL SWIMMING IS NO MORE – Tiny, that’s my dog’s name (lol), loves the water. When he’s in the pool, he looks like one of those giant submarines that is chugging forward, slightly above the water level. He likes to jump in, do a lap, get out and jump in again, immediately. And if you’re in the water, you better have some major skills, similar to those of a sea creature; you better have the ability to maneuver your way out of his way, trick him into thinking you’re going one direction and then go another; and you have to do it all extremely fast, without drowning in the process. I only know one person that can do that and that person isn’t me. Swimming in Tiny’s presence is downright scary, and I simply can’t hang.
   
6. I NEED MY SPACE – Sorry, that’s not a thing anymore. You gave up ‘space’ when you got yourself a Giant, for a furry companion. Not only did you forfeit the right to your personal space, but you also gave up the couch and every piece of the floor that surrounds wherever you’re standing at any given moment. “Wherever you go, whatever you do, I will be right here waiting for you” – Dog.
   
7. MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS – People seem to think they know it all, and they tend to make everything their business. Whether it’s your neighbor that decides to preach to you about how your “poor puppy” misses you when you go off to work, or a complete stranger that decides to scold you about something inane, it’s something that is going to keep on happening for the entire duration of you having your dog in your life. People are annoying; always gotta put their two cents in. Like, really? You felt the need to pull your car over just so you could tell me that it’s hot outside and the pavement is hurting his paws? Does my dog look retarded to you? The grass is right there; if the concrete was too hot for him, he’d walk on the freaking grass. Plus, how do you know I didn’t have his feet surgically altered to be completely and utterly immune to the hotness of asphalt? Go back to your own zoo of cats and dogs, and have a pound of cookie dough ice cream, you whore. Fkouttahere with that shit. And as for you, Miss Concerned Neighbor; yeah, I know my dog misses me when I go to work; such is life. Just because you have four people living in your studio and you can say things like ‘someone is always with my dog’ doesn’t mean that everyone has that “luxury”. I’ve got bills to pay, lady, so unless you wanna pay them for me while I hang out with my dog all day; I suggest you shove that opinion somewhere between your three pull out couches, where the sun will never shine.
   
8. NOT INTERESTED – Walking my dog late at night is not an invitation for you to try and hit on me. On more than several occasions I’ve had men stop me in the middle of our walk, trying to strike a conversation and it’s without a doubt, always, extremely uncomfortable and alarming. This one guy was all like “That’s a beautiful dog. Where do you live? Do you live alone? I want some company” – that’s not something I want to hear at 1am on the streets of my neighborhood. Another time, some guy stopped in his car, rolling his window down and asking for directions. After I told him where to go, he’s all like “Cool. Where are you going?” – None of your business is where I’m going; keep driving, you creep. Then another guy actually crossed the street to talk to me. “That’s a very cute dog. What’s your name?” – Dude, it’s 12:38 a.m. – why the fuq do you care what my name is? I’m not trying to hang. I’m just trying to walk my dog and go to sleep. Fuck off.
   
9. NOT EVERYONE LIKES BIG DOGS – It’s always shocking to me, seeing people’s reaction when I walk by with Tiny and they jump back or make a face as if they’re about to get attacked. I can’t really judge, I mean maybe there’s a traumatic dog experience hiding in their past that’s making them cringe. Still, it’s something so foreign to me, especially knowing my dog and how super friendly he is.
   
10. DATING IS HARD – With Great Dane, comes great lack of a dating life. I’m not entirely sure why that is but I have a theory: Men are intimidated by the ‘Woman with a large dog’ situation because there’s a very real threat that said dog will take up all of the woman’s time and affection. Men like to feel needed. And let’s face it, if you’re handling a beast on a daily basis, maybe you’re the type of woman that “don’t need no man”. At the end of the day, men want to be first on the list, and if they feel inferior in any way, they’re not sticking around. Unless they’re spineless weaklings, in which case I don’t want them to stick around. With that in mind, one would think that a woman should adjust her behavior a little; mend her stubborn ways and at least try to accommodate these guys’ feelings or whatever. I, on the other hand, am not in the business of blindly adjusting my priorities in order to win anyone over. I’m all about self-growth, but I need to be invested; it’s not gonna happen at the embryonic stages of our potential relationship. Funny story: This guy came over one time, and tried to take Tiny’s place on the couch, basically telling him to go on the floor so that he and I could snuggle and watch a movie. I told him that it doesn’t work like that and that he’s welcome to have my comfortable chair, all to himself, instead. He was all surprised, like really, you’re gonna choose the dog over me? Yeah, I am; the dog is family and you and I just met. Stick around for a minute or two, and we’ll see where you and I stand. But they never do.

So okay, maybe not 99 problems but it’s certainly up there, and the list goes on. You quickly learn that maybe you don’t need to have nice things like shoes and portable vacuums; more commonly known as chew toys in the dog world. You just as quickly start putting your dog’s satiety and health before your own. My dog eats better food than I do, nutrition wise, and he’s got health insurance whereas I’ve never even come close to having one, in the thirty years that I’ve been alive. That’s what, 210 in dog years? Math – add that to the list of my problems.

I’ll take all the problems though. As Britney Spears so eloquently put it once, gimme gimme, gimme more. Dogs are amazing and I’m just gonna go ahead and agree with the majority of the internet; No, we do not deserve them.

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