Some time ago came out a book – 50 Shades of Grey. This book was rumored to drive every woman wild, mainly because let’s face it, the percentages of truly sexually satisfied ladies out there is pretty low and a lot of times, we simply must rely on our fantasies. This book provided a sort of excitement; it explored things that every woman wants but for some reason rarely talks about. A lot of women won’t even admit to masturbating, which is preposterous if you ask me but whatever. So this soft core porn book with a soft cover comes out and everyone goes nuts. All of a sudden, every female is walking around with visible sweat stains on their clothes from their burning loins. “Wet Floor” signs are placed in front of every shelf displaying this newly discovered girl porn. Much like after almost every immediate sensation, everyone calmed down eventually… Until the movie came out.

Here’s the thing; back when it was just a bunch of paper glued together, I only managed to get through about a third of it. It just got so repetitive that I couldn’t subject myself to any more nipple twisting orgasms, played out dialogue and stretched out scenes. To be quite frank, I don’t even remember half the events took place in it. I guess my brain chose to block it out. I do remember not being impressed though, so when there was word of 50 Shades of Grey, The Movie coming out, I was like “No thanks”. I had zero interest in watching it. But… Things happen when you’re a bottle of wine deep and you’ve run out of Modern Family episodes to watch. So yes, I finally gave in. I watched 50 Shades of Grey, The Movie. And given the fact that my expectations were lower than low, I managed to get through it without hurling. It’s safe to say though that the only thing that’s going to get me to watch 50 Shades Darker willingly is a bottle of whiskey and maybe a blunt.

SO. If you need help figuring out whether or not you should waste your time on this probably soon to be trilogy, here’s the breakdown.

First and foremost, as unremarkable as the content of the book was, the description of physical appearances sort of stuck with me. Having said that, I think they could have definitely done a better job casting.

1. CHRISTIAN GREY – He’s just so whatever. Let’s ignore the fact that super rich, super successful guys don’t look that hot in real life. They’re usually fat and balding with a bunch of stress wrinkles. Based on the book though, I guess they did an okay good job picking out a stud with a cold, intriguing, fucked up personality and the black eyeballs that you can almost see the devil in.

   

2. ANASTASIA – The actress is way too hot for the role. She’s supposed to be this little unnoticeable mouse. Sure, they give her a choppy, style lacking haircut that she wears in an unpolished pony tail. Sure they dress her up in goody virgin girl outfits. Sure, they make her clumsy and awkward, but still none of that is enough to masque the fact that she’s freaking hot. She’s got gorgeous full lips that are naturally full of color, big expressive eyes, slim nose, perfectly proportionate face… And that’s just what’s above the clothes when she supposedly first catches his attention. (Awe, she forgot to bring a pencil to the interview, how totally adorable, I must have her)… Not to mention her sleek body, decent size nipples, and a subtle but very yummy looking bottom when she does get naked. I’m sorry, I don’t buy it. The “movie people” did a much better job making Anne Hathaway unattractive in the Princess Diaries than they did to this girl. She was supposed to be BLAH. She is anything but.

   

3. KATE – Unlike Anastasia, this girl is supposed to be the hottest thing that walked on planet Earth. And yet… There’s really nothing special about her. If it wasn’t for the regular blow out that she gets, her hair would be lifeless. Her eyes are pretty far apart for the “traditional” beauty that they attempt to portray. Nice smile, but it doesn’t seem like a naturally beautiful smile. It’s the kind of smile someone who’s trained themselves to smile nice for the camera has – Much like Tyra Banks. Don’t get me wrong, the girl is very pretty. But she ain’t all that… If you’re gonna describe someone as exceptionally beautiful then you’d better cast appropriately. There are plenty of choices out there for hot blondes. And no, Kate Upton is not up there either.

   

   1. Now that we’ve got that out of the way, let’s talk about a few moments that kind of make you squint at the screen and look around the room, even if there’s no one in the room with you, in search of some sort of validation for the “Really???” that’s going on in your brain.

4. MISS NAÏVE – When Anastasia wakes up in his bed for the first time after a drunken tequila night, she sees a glass of OJ and a bottle of pills on the night stand accompanied by “Eat Me” & “Drink Me” post-its.. And she just goes ahead and does it?? I guess that’s somehow supposed to play into her innocent and trusting character but… Come on.
5. X-RAY VISION– Or like when she finally loses her cherry, and comes home the next day, and Kate is all like “You look different”. I swear, this only happens in movies. I’m either blind or that’s a bag of baloney. I’m sorry, if you walk into a room and start checking your mail and acting as nonchalantly as ever, there’s no way that anyone, no matter how well they know you, will be like “You look different”. F*ck that noise. We as viewers know that she popped that cherry. You, the Not-Extremely-Hot roommate, do not. So stop pretending like you do and go on about your day.
6. FEELS FORCED – Christian and Anastasia have their “business” meeting to discuss the contract and its limitations. By the way, there’s absolutely no reason a room should be that dark. We already get it Christian; you’re Mister Seductive and your soul is as dark as night. No need to reinforce it with the dim lighting. I mean there is reading involved, you might wanna turn those lights on. Might wanna speak up too, save the low seductive tones for the bedroom. Seriously, can you even hear one another? Especially when she’s practically a mile away, sitting across from you at that ridiculously long table… And what’s with her questioning the most obvious of things? I mean, sure you’re a virgin.. But that doesn’t mean that at twenty something years old, you don’t know what a butt plug is! REALLY?! You’re crossing out anal and vaginal fisting off the “allowed” list of things and then you ask what a butt plug is? LOL. Honey, it’s pretty self-explanatory. You should get a butt plug forced in your ass just for asking that stupid question.

   

   So there’s that. But let’s switch the focus real quick to what the movie intends to be about. I bring to you…

7. THE SEX – Naturally, Christian’s character is all closed off and whatnot- “I don’t make love, I f*ck. I f*ck hard”. Rawr. “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit for a week”. Holy clammy palms, that phrase can pretty much get any girl’s lady parts tingling. The scene with the ice cube is hot. I’m surprised they don’t layer the floors of the movie theater with towels prior to every showing. He ties her hands above her head with a tie; gentle, but at the same time not. Naturally, every girl whether or not she wants to admit it wishes to be dominated. Getting tied up is a great way to go. Maybe not in the same way as the poor girl did in the movie Spun, when he just leaves her there for days while he’s out getting drugged, but still there is something very hot about not being able to have the control of the situation. So as he’s on top of her, he goes and flips her over, smacks her ass and enters her. Yes please! Overall, the only thing missing from this flick as far as sex goes is the abundance of candles. They’ve already got the sacrifice music playing in the background when he shows her “The Play Room”. They might as well have made it into a whole thing, but whatever.

   

8. THANK YOU SIR, MAY I HAVE ANOTHER? – So there’s a scene where she passes out after they do the dirty. Then she wakes up in the middle of the night, sees him play the piano and straight up straddles him – the girl can’t get enough! I guess it’s true what they say in her case – Once you pop you can’t stop. Most of us don’t lose our virginity to tall sexy mysterious men. More often than not it’s awkward and not at all memorable.

   Somewhere between the funnies and the tingles, I started playing psychologist…
   

   

   
   

9. MR. GREY – Aside from all the hot stuff, let’s face it, he’s pretty fcked up. He’s got all these burns on his chest, which they kinda sorta mention but not really. We can only tie them to Mrs. Robinson, his “friend” that was his dominant when he was what, 6?! What the f…. She’s clearly a freak. But whatever, he felt SAFE with her.. No wonder he has the inclinations that he does. Mrs. Robinson is clearly a child abuser, whether he felt “safe” or not. He can thank her for becoming a pseudo pedophile. Sure, Anastasia is of age, so if you wanna get technical he’s not an actual pedophile but I mean come on, they made it pretty apparent that she has the personality of a child. Not to mention, he obviously gets very excited when he finds out Anastasia is a virgin. His eyes lit up like he was a kid on Christmas morning if Christmas was full of untouched vaginas and surrounded by sadists. So what does he do? He bangs the life out of her and then carries her to bed like a little girl. I also find it peculiar that his face conveys a very distinct hint of a demented puppy. He looks like an innocent person with down syndrome that contains evil tendencies. The feeling that I get when I look at him is not that of hate and disgust you would normally get towards a serial killer, but more of confusion and fear combined with sympathy. To sum it up, it’s more of an “I don’t want to be, but I’m still scared you’ll chop me up into pieces when I close my eyes” kind of attitude. Except instead of killing you like Dexter would, he just screws you senseless.

   

10. MS. STEEL – First of all, how does one stay a virgin for so long with a name like that? On the contrary, Anastasia Steel smells of single dollar bills and old man’s desperation. But anyway, I’d like to further elaborate on her childlike character. She dances and smiles like a little girl. She giggles like a little girl. She gets excited about the smallest of things. They were able to depict her impeccable character very well in that retrospect. I’m generally amazed at the genuine expressions on newborns’ faces in regards to how fascinating this world is on a daily basis. You don’t see those face expressions in adults. We’re all gloomy and preoccupied. We’re cynical and bored. We don’t appreciate the simple things. Anastasia’s face depicts the opposite of that which we are used to seeing on an everyday basis. Her face gets all animated over the most trivial of things – It’s adorable. It’s endearing. It’s fresh… She holds on to her innocent demeanor quite well for someone who gets plowed on the daily in the freakiest of ways. You know what they say – it’s always the quiet ones.

    

11. GAMES PEOPLE PLAY – We already know what kind of games Christian is into. Clearly she has feelings for this guy from the very start. She explores her realm of emotions slowly. The first time she enters his play room dungeon, she doesn’t freak out and run away with her arms up in the air screaming “F*ck this”. She takes a step forward and explores. She asks questions, calmly and rationally. She walks around, being genuinely curious… I must say though, she may be new to this playground, but she’s no stranger to mind games. She has a natural talent of screwing with this guy’s head. “I’ve done my research. It was nice knowing you…” You, manipulative little minx, you… You had him running to your apartment with a bottle of wine and a hard dick in less than 3 seconds. Poor sap.
12. WHO’S REALLY IN CONTROL? – Christian’s already broken every single rule of the contract. He said there would be no sexual intercourse until after she signed the contract. Notice, throughout the entire movie, she never signs the contract and yet there’s some vivid sexing going on. In a way, she’s like a Siren. She lures him in with her virginity and innocence and he just loses his mind. He drowns in her ways. He drowns in her juices. Except sirens don’t sleep with you, they just kill you… Which, in a twisted way she does.
13. TUG OF WAR –Needless to say, she falls in love with him. He is all “You can’t be in love with me, I’m not right for you, you don’t know what you really want, sex is sex, this is how I am, etc”… And she’s all “why can’t I touch you, and what the f*ck is your problem?” The minute you start to attempt to dig into a man’s soul and try to decipher the reasoning for his ways is the minute you become old news. No guy wants to hear that shit. No guy wants to be “read” or cracked. No guy that is certain (or thinks he is certain) about what he wants, will ever reciprocate the way you want him to once you start dissecting his behavior. Then again, this is a movie so…
14. THE SACRIFICES WE MAKE – I must say, Anastasia Steele is incredibly strong willed. She attempted to get through to him, change him even, and failed. As she is standing there, nagging about wanting to be normal with him, you can see he’s getting anxious. So she gives him what he wants.. Or as I’d like to point out, what he THINKS he wants. Unlike most, who deal with stress by lighting a cigarette or whatnot, Christian’s idea is a whipping session. She lets him. She puts herself in a position of “Go ahead; release your tension in the only way you know how.” And the entire time, it’s somewhat painful yet interesting to watch, because you can see the demise on both of their faces for different reasons. She is lying there, crying, her voice strong and unshakable as she is counting out the 6 times he strikes her. In the meantime, his face is stern and perplexed as he is trying to deal with the emotional demons battling the inevitable love that he feels for her. And then the final sixth whip strikes. He stops. He goes to grab her lovingly and cuddle her, and she pushes him away, righteously so.

    

15. THE TWIST – Christian Grey, of all men is too impenetrable and about 50 shades of f*cked up as he himself so eloquently put it, to fully understand. And yet it isn’t he that is too much for Anastasia to handle, it’s the other way around. It takes a very strong individual to go through that pain, merely to prove a point. Perhaps there’s a part of her that thought he wouldn’t go through with it… But he does, and she takes it like a champ. She could have just been like, oh I see, you’re getting the whip then, you’re actually going to do this, alright I’m out of here. But no, she allows him to perform this act on her, this punishment, and then as he thinks he has it all, she yanks it away, and removes herself from this chaos completely, leaving him dazzled and confused, tangled up in his own web of thoughts and emotions.

The End.

It’s not surprising they chose to finish on a cliffhanger. The fact that they did that and the fact that the soundtrack was fairly decent are the only two things that saved this movie in my opinion. Like i said before, overall I guess I’ve seen worse productions. However, I’d have to be heavily sedated and possibly tied up to a chair in order to watch 50 shades of Stupid, the sequel.

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